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Elephants should get trophies, too.

President Trump says he plans to announce his decision on importing big game hunting trophies in the coming days.

“Big-game trophy decision will be announced next week but will be very hard pressed to change my mind that this horror show in any way helps conservation of Elephants or any other animal,” Trump tweeted on Sunday night.

The president’s post comes just days after US Fish and Wildlife officials revealed that they would start issuing permits for elephant trophies from Zimbabwe and Zambia — ending an Obama-era ban from 2014.

The move sparked widespread outrage, prompting Trump to temporarily reverse his decision on Friday.

“Put big game trophy decision on hold until such time as I review all conservation facts,” he tweeted.

So the big news story this weekend was President Trump’s decision to reverse Obama’s ban on elephant trophies, which caused a ton of outrage, like usual. At first, I didn’t understand the backlash, because when I first read the story, I thought everyone was talking about literal elephant trophies. Like trophies with big elephants on the top of them. I thought, how in the world could that be a bad thing? Because in my mind, the world needs more trophies. And when I say “the world”, I mean me. I haven’t won any type of trophy in a solid fifteen years. I don’t care what animal’s on it. Just give me some type of trophy. Let me win something one time.

I do think it’s funny that the same people who bitch and moan about how every kid gets a trophy, and how participation trophies are making America soft, are the same people crying that they don’t get a trophy for shooting the biggest animal in the world. I’ve never shot a gun, but I feel you don’t exactly have to be a sharpshooter to take one out. I’m pretty sure if you’re in Africa with a gun, and you just close your eyes and start shooting, you’re eventually going to hit an elephant.

I also love how people are talking about how endangered elephants are, like that’s Africa’s first priority. You know what else is endangered in Africa? Water. I’m endangered (because I’m one of a kind), I don’t see people making internet petitions about me like “Sign this to stop Tim from slowing killing himself with Four Lokos and convenient store food”. Now that would be a noble cause.

Should you get a trophy for hunting elephants? No, but I do think you should get a trophy for going to Africa in the first place. It’s 2017, why are people going to a different continent to shoot things? Just be a normal American and do it at your local church or school. Like how is it that little kids are getting gunned down every other day, and we do nothing, but the minute an old dude shoots a couple animals from the dinosaur era, we lose our shit.

And please don’t mistake me as someone who is anti-hunting. I love to hunt. I spent an entire year killing mice, and it was glorious. The thing that made it so thrilling is the fact that it was a fair fight. They were hunting me as much as I was hunting them. Predator vs. Predator. Alpha vs. Alpha. Scavenger vs. Scavenger. The way it should be. And that’s the issue with elephant hunting, it’s not a fair fight. My solution? Easy. If humans get trophies for killing animals, animals should get trophies for killing humans. Because right now, animals have no incentive to kill (besides the mice for some reason). I don’t want to live in a world where more people die from vending machines than shark attacks. I want to walk outside and be head hunted by animals. Come at me, bro.

Completely unrelated, but is it bad that all this talk about elephant hunting sort of makes me want to buy an elephant tusk? Wearing an elephant tusk as a fashion accessory would be so ridiculous that I need one. Just picture me walking into class with a tusk hanging down from my necklace. Maybe my professors would stop cold calling on me when I’m trying to write blogs if they saw I was wearing part of a dead animal. Like chill out, teach, you’re next.

So do I care about elephants being hunted? I’ll say yes, because I feel like that’s the right answer, and it will probably impress some girls. In reality, I don’t give a shit. Kill all the elephants you want, it still won’t change the fact that I can’t get into Our House East.

 

 

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