Being the food expert I am, I feel inclined to share my rankings when it comes to Thanksgiving dishes:
Ham is 100% the best Thanksgiving food, and you’re stupid if you think otherwise. I don’t eat enough ham during the rest of the year, and that’s on me. Ham is a huge sleeper meat. I honestly forgot ham was a thing until I started writing this, and I think that’s why it’s so good on Thanksgiving.
Turkey is easily the most average meat of all time. To me, it just falls short of spectacular. Maybe it’s just because my family’s white and we use absolutely no seasoning, by turkey has always been too plain for me. They’re also ugly as shit.
3. The tears of Native Americans
Anyone who tries to tell you Thanksgiving is about giving thanks is either lying, or an idiot. Thanksgiving is a yearly victory lap in honor of us running train on the Native Americans. I honestly wish we would just admit it. Then it wouldn’t be weird anymore. Like we need to just admit how much of a power move it is to massacre an entire group of people, create a holiday celebrating it, then force them to celebrate it with us. Definitely a bit mean, but also a huge alpha male move. So I guess I sort of respect it.
3. Duck/any other meat
If you eat duck or lamb or any other type of meat on Thanksgiving, you’re an absolute creep. At that point, you might as well eat human. If you eat duck on Thanksgiving, you might as well eat your dog, because I assume you have no line when it comes to animals you’re willing to eat.
1 Cranberry Sauce (from the can)
Cranberry sauce, in my opinion (which is always right), is the best side in the game. And when I say cranberry sauce, I mean the stuff you get straight from the can. And when I say straight from the can, I mean I want the cranberry sauce to still be in the shape of a cylinder, with indents on it because I literally just turned the can upside down over my plate. Don’t come at me with that homemade shit. Cranberry sauce honestly isn’t even sauce. It’s some cross between jello and cranberry juice, which is probably the best creation ever.
With that said, the people at the Cran swamp (that’s what us industry people call cranberry bogs) need to figure out an easier way to open the cans. Can openers suck, and I have absolutely zero clue how to use them. Maybe that’s just me having the life skills of a three year old, but regardless, figure it out.
2. Mashed Potatoes
Easily, the best form of potatoes, mashed potatoes come in at a close second. Of course, this does not include mash potatoes with vegetables hidden in them. Stop trying to sneak healthy foods into my diet.
Few things are certain in life, and one of those things is me showing up to Thanksgiving more hungover than I knew was physically possible. I’m talking so hungover that if I was in the NFL, they would send me straight to concussion protocol. And for that, Advil comes in third on my list.
Squash is gross. It looks like someone just peed into a thing of mashed potatoes. I’ll pass.
I just can’t get past the fact that we just stuff miscellaneous food into a turkey’s ass. I’m not about it at all. Imagine trying to explain stuffing to an alien who’s never heard of it? “Hey do you want some stuffing?” “Yea sure, where is it?” “You see that turkey over there?” “Yea.” “Go down on it”. Sorry, I just don’t feel comfortable giving a dead animal a rim job in front of my entire family. Privately? Maybe, but how I celebrate Groundhog day is none of your business.
6. Any vegetables
No explanation needed here.
So there are my rankings. Some of you might be wondering why I left out deserts (desserts? who knows). That’s because the only thing you need to know is to stay away from the fruit tart. I’m trying eat brownies and feel like shit for the next two days, not go on a health binge.