Feel good story: War criminal drinks poison after being sentenced to 20 years in prison

A convicted war criminal has died after he claimed to have drunk poison in a courtroom at The Hague when he lost an appeal, according to Croatian state media.

Slobodan Praljak, a former Bosnian commander, was attending a court hearing in the Netherlands on Wednesday morning.

As a former leader of the Croat forces, he had been sentenced to 20 years’ imprisonment in 2013 for crimes in East Mostar.

If your only defense in court is to kill yourself, might I suggest finding a better lawyer? Who was advising him? Jim Sokolove at 1-800-Call-Jim? Charlie Kelly? Is this written in Bird Law?

This also 100% proves he is guilty. Anyone savage enough to poison themselves on live TV is capable of much worse, and definitely committed whatever crime they’re accused of. In the history of every judicial system ever, no one innocent has ever killed themselves while in the courtroom. That’s a fact.

It’s honestly not a bad strategy. Definitely incorporates a heavy dose of shock value. If I’m being real, if I get tossed a twenty year sentence in my 70’s (which is of course hypothetical, considering I’ll be dead in six months), I’ll probably do the same thing. I have another finance presentation today, and I’m seriously considering just poisoning myself right after the first slide, because after I introduce myself and my team name, the rest of the PowerPoint might as well be gibberish, because I have zero clue what is going on.

Sort of related, I feel like if you get the death sentence, you should choose how you get killed. How would I go out? Here are a few ideas:

Tickled to death

Everyone knows I’m a huge tickle fight guy, and I’m damn good at it too. Back in my Catholic school days, all the priests used to compliment me on how good I was at being tickled. They said I was so good that I shouldn’t tell anyone, because they didn’t want my success to get to my head. A great lesson in humility. I still don’t understand why they had to videotape it though. I guess God really does work in mysterious ways.

Complimented to death

This actually might be how I die. I’m wearing a new sweater today, and have already gotten three compliments this morning. One was from a homeless guy, but I’ll count that as two, so actually four compliments. I think I’ll overdose once I hit double digits.

Waterboarded

I’ve always wanted to be waterboarded. I imagine being waterboarded is like going to an indoor water park, except more enjoyable. I also can’t see it being that bad.

Loved to death

Once again, there’s a pretty high chance of this coming to fruition. “Would I rather be feared or loved? Well, I want people to be afraid of how much they love me” – Michael Scott – Me.

Firing Squad

Easily the coolest way to go out. Just the amount of effort it takes to get a firing squad together these days is a compliment in itself. With everyone having such busy schedules, I could imagine getting six guys with rifles all together in one place must be impossible. I also want the firing squad to use muskets. There’s just more class when the guys have to load the gunpowder and use the metal rod to pack it all down. It’s much more of a process, and there’s some value to that.

 

Also a huge day for whoever was on jury duty for this one. A little bitter sweet as well. Yea some guy just killed himself in front of you, but guess who gets out of jury duty early? I wonder if they validate parking?

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