Life Advice

Bitcoin is stupid and I do not understand it

So it seems like Bitcoin is all the hype these days. People are losing their shit over it, saying it’s the currency of the future, that everyone is getting rich off of it, and that if you don’t buy it, then you’re an idiot. The evil twins from the Social Network who got bullied by Zuckerberg are billionaires from it now because they bought it in like 1960. Worst of all, that try-hard kid in every finance class who won’t stop talking about how great his personal portfolio is, and conveniently dropped the “operations” aspect of this job title on Linkedin, won’t stop talking about the emerging currency.

I’d go more in depth talking about Bitcoin, but I literally cannot. I have zero clue what it is. Honestly, I don’t think it’s real. At least to me. I mean, in my head, if I can’t buy Four Lokos with it, it’s not real. If I can’t put it on my worn out red Bank of America debit card that only works half of time, it’s not real. What’s the use of a currency if I can’t blow it all on gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that) drinks at Ned Devines? What incentive do I have to buy Bitcoin if I can’t call an Uber Pool with it? I have absolutely no use for it, so I don’t care.

In all honesty, my biggest fear is that I’ll start being able to buy things using Bitcoin. That’s going to be dangerous, because I treat any type of online or mobile payments as fake money. Venmo? Fake. Anything I order on Amazon? Might as well be free. Am I the only person who gets that end of the month Venmo review email and just deletes it immediately? Not my problem.

Bitcoin is also marketed terribly. I don’t want anything to do with coins. I’m a big bill type of guy. If it were called like BitBills, BitStacks, or Bit Dead Presidents, then yea I might do some research, but I’m not going near something that reminds me of pocket change. Coins are about as synonymous with homeless people as shopping carts and 7/11’s are.

Lastly, I’m hesitant to mess with Bitcoin, because historically speaking, new, exciting, yet controversial currencies have tended to go sour pretty quickly. I mean, you know what else was a trendy currency that everyone wanted to get their hands on? Black people. Women. No thank you, I plan on being on the right side of history. Keep your online slave auctions and virtual whore houses to yourselves. (Virtual whore house actually seems like a solid business idea. Gonna keep that in my back pocket).

And to go even further, I’ve taken advantage of my expert level financial knowledge to list some other financial vehicles that I would invest in in lieu of Bitcoin:

Travelers Checks

I’d like to be the first to come out and say that travelers checks are about to make a comeback. You literally won’t get that scoop anywhere else on the internet. Not on Bloomberg, not on Yahoo Finance, not anywhere. The fun part about travelers checks is that they are exclusive as ever, because they are accepted absolutely nowhere. That’s also a great way to save your money. Can’t spend it if no one accepts it. Owning travelers checks also makes you come off much more cultured in worldly. Nothing will impress that girl at bar more than when you pull out your wallet full of oversized travelers checks. Big Baller Brand approved.

PS: If you are a female not old enough to know what a travelers check is, hit me up.

Box Tops

Box Tops were basically the Bitcoin of 5th grade. I still don’t get how bringing them into school got the school more funding, but looking back, the fact that my school budget was largely based around my mom buying a certain brand at the grocery store definitely says a lot about our education system.

Scratch Tickets/Keno

Definitely the most responsible place to put your money. If you think about it, since the lottery is run by the state, buying a $30 scratch ticket, or playing Keno for hours at a dive bar is basically the same as buying a municipal bond, which is a tax free security. (humble brag I’ve been studying for finals).

Multilevel Marketing Companies

You know that kid from high school who keeps messaging you about that can’t miss business opportunity, that you can buy into for the low price of $4,000? Take some time today and message him back.

Rare Coins

Have you ever been watching something on TV, and all of a sudden you find yourself 4 minutes in to a 10 minute commercial about buying state commemorative coins? I don’t know about you guys, but once I get to like the 6 minute mark, I start to consider buying a case. A coin collection would kill with the ladies. Like “Hey you want to come back to my place and look at my coin collections? I bet it will remind you of your grandfather.” That’s taking advantage of daddy issues 101.


So to summarize, Bitcoin is stupid, mostly because I don’t understand it. Also it might have been a bit too far on my part to compare it to buying and selling human beings, but then again only time will tell with that one. No need to pick my moral cotton.

1 comment on “Bitcoin is stupid and I do not understand it

  1. Mr. Hickey

    Tim, it is 4:45 am and I am literally LOL and hoping I don’t wake up Patty. …”black people, women” TOTALLY did not see that coming when I started reading that sentence.

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