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The complete guide to crushing your final exams

With finals week upon us, I think it’s appropriate for me to put off all of my studying to write a 1000 word post about it. Finals have never really worried me, because as a student of life, everyday is a test. The world is my scantron, and I’m just a thiccc ass #2 pencil.

For me, and probably a lot of you, the last week of classes means a lot more than just the end of the semester. This is the week of going to your professors’ office hours for the first time all year, in a drastic attempt to save your grade. Going to a professor’s office hours is sort of like going on a Tinder date, we’ve only really talked online a couple times, and I’m probably going to end up not showing up. Most guys ghost girls, I ghost my teachers. Granted, playing hard to get has had a surprisingly negative effect on my GPA.

As you could imagine, I’ve had some interesting experiences meeting with my professors throughout my years as a college student. I went to my accounting professor’s office hours sophomore year for the sole reason of having him tie my tie because I had an interview in 20 minutes. I once had a teacher call me by another kid in the class’s name for the duration of our meeting. I never corrected him, and I’m pretty sure he gave me the other kid’s grade. Good thing he was a nerd.

When it comes to studying for finals, I find it to be a bit of an art. And when I say art, I’m talking abstract art where I’m just throwing paint on canvas and seeing what happens. I’m basically a young Jackson Pollock, except a little less of an alcoholic and a creep. What’s up ladies, I know art. (I took an art history class for two weeks before I dropped it).

Anyway, I’ve become a bit of a wizard when it comes to preparing for finals, so I’ve decided to let you guys in on a couple of my secrets I’ve been keeping in my closet. Not in a gay way.

When you’re in the library, play your music in your headphones just loud enough that the people around you can slightly hear it

Some kid was doing this in the library the other day, and I was getting annoyed, until I realized he was a genius. He was playing mind tricks on me and beating me at my own game. He was dropping weapons of mental destruction, and I didn’t even know it. And to do it so close to Pearl Harbor Day? That takes guts, and I respect it.

Email your professor late at night so he knows you’re up late studying

I may or may not have already pre-written an email to my professor and changed the settings so that it sends at 1am tonight. It’s sort of like a booty call, except I’ll actually get an answer. I might just delete everything I wrote, and send him a quick “u up?” Let him know I’m thinking of him. Gotta make ’em feel special.

Use a pen on the scantron exam

This is so ridiculous that it’s not even a funny joke, but some kid actually did this in one of my classes last spring. Probably the most shocking thing I’ve witnessed in college. Absolutely mind blowing that someone who has gone to school for double digit years doesn’t know to use a pencil. Then again, it’s sort of next level thinking, because technically, you can’t get any questions wrong if you break the scantron machine. That’s one way to a perfect score, I guess.

Don’t look up what building your final is in until you’re on your way to take the test

I’ve done this literally every semester of college. For some reason, Northeastern plays this fun game where finals are in a different building at a different time than the class you took all semester. That’s always a struggle for me, because I’m a huge muscle memory guy, so much so that I just go auto pilot most of the time and just sober blackout and somehow end up in the right classroom. Last semester I was minutes away from taking the wrong final because I went to the wrong classroom. I was there for an accounting final, and got a test with chemistry on it. The first question was about Alkaline, and I was like “shit is that a debit or a credit account?” I was almost the first person to split an atom using straight line depreciation.

Go out drinking the night before

Some will strongly disagree with this. Those people are idiots. Going out drinking the night before an exam is great, because you wake up still sort of buzzed, which gives you that little extra boost of confidence that you need walking into the class. Also the scent of Dominos and vomit on your clothes will really mess with the people sitting next to you. I’m pretty sure that’s the real reason you have to leave a seat in between you and the person next to you.

Be the first one finished with the test

Although some will claim that the test is not a race, for me, it definitely is. I have a final tomorrow afternoon, and I’m looking to break the land and indoor record time it takes to finish an exam. Want me to take my time on the test? Don’t schedule it on a Friday afternoon. Some of us have places to be.

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