Weird News

Aliens are real and I just don’t need that in my life right now

The truth is finally out there, after the Pentagon admitted it ran a secret UFO investigation programme for five years until 2012.

The US defence department’s own “X-Files” operation, known by the less catchy title of the Advanced Aviation Threat Identification Program, was closed after a change in funding priorities, it said.

But the remarkable revelation has raised more questions than answers, including whether the programme has been completely shut down, or just covered up further.

While the Pentagon claims it ended five years ago, it said it continued to take seriously “all threats and potential threats to our people”.

It’s a known fact now that the government has been searching for aliens, and honestly, I pray to God that they don’t find any. And it’s not that I don’t think aliens are real, because I sure as hell believe in them, I just really don’t want to find them. My life is complicated enough. I just feel like if they ever came to earth, they’d be a huge hassle. We simply don’t have room for another specie. We can’t even keep polar bears alive, how are we supposed to sustain extraterrestrial life? Why would they even want to come here? I picture the aliens traveling millions of miles to invade Earth, in hopes of destroying the planet, then they get here, and are like “Oh shit they’re already doing it themselves”. They’d come here to rape and pillage, and people would think “oh they must be in from LA.. Mr Weinstein, we weren’t expecting you.” 

I do actually want to be there for when the aliens first arrive. “Take me to your leader.” “Eh, I’m not sure you want to meet him”. We’d bring them to President Trump and the aliens would be like “you guys are fucking with us, that’s the guy from The Apprentice, we get NBC out there, you guys literally put your satellites in space.”

Also, the invasion of aliens would be an absolute nightmare for me, socially speaking. You think I’m just gonna start effortlessly communicating with people from space? I’m still trying to figure out how to talk to girls. I don’t need this alien stuff on my plate right now. Imagine how much more traffic and congestion they’d cause? You’re trying to merge lanes, and you can’t because there’s a big ass spaceship next to you. You know those things don’t have blinkers. Or picture you’re about to get in a Uber Pool, only to find yourself squished in the back with a slimy creature. Also would we have to build them their own bathrooms? The list of concerns is endless.

Lastly, I feel like as a society, us and the aliens just wouldn’t gel. Imagine trying to explain to them what we do for fun? “Yea so we’re going to go to this dark place with loud music to drink this liquid that will eventually make you throw up, and while you’re doing that, try to talk to girls and impress them.” “Does that work?” “No, never.”

So hopefully we never encounter aliens, and the scariest life forms I have to interact with are still hot girls.

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