So all the talk on the news lately is concerning Net Neutrality. I’m not an expert in that field, so I’ve spent the morning conducting some extensive research into the subject (googled Net Neutrality and clicked on the first link). Through my research, I was able to see what exactly will happen when Net Neutrality is repealed:
Without the Net Neutrality rules, companies like AT&T, Comcast and Verizon will be able to call all the shots and decide which websites, content and applications succeed.
These companies can now slow down their competitors’ content or block political opinions they disagree with. They can charge extra fees to the few content companies that can afford to pay for preferential treatment — relegating everyone else to a slower tier of service.
The consequences will be particularly devastating for marginalized communities media outlets have misrepresented or failed to serve. People of color, the LGBTQ community, indigenous peoples and religious minorities in the United States rely on the open internet to organize, access economic and educational opportunities, and fight back against systemic discrimination.
Admittedly, this doesn’t look great, but I think I have some solutions. It seems to me, that the main premise of the repeal is to charge users for certain features and websites on the internet. As it stands right now, that sounds terrible. I pay like $4 a month for this site, and even that’s breaking my budget. With that all said, I think I have some more efficient payment ideas and features that I think us internet users can all agree would be fair. Here are some of my ideas I have so far:
Users must pay a fee for every Facebook rant they post
I’m not sure what Zuckerberg’s original vision was for Facebook, but it definitely wasn’t meant to be a platform for people to post full paragraphs complaining about their probation officers and baby daddies. Also stop posting your horoscope. It’s not real. The star you’re looking at for guidance died a million years ago. You learn that in 4th grade. Also stop signing Facebook petitions. Once again, they are fictional. Despite what you might believe, starving kids in Africa don’t eat signatures. You can’t rebuild the ozone layer with Facebook likes.
Additional charges will be added on for every grammatical mistake made in the Facebook rant mentioned above
If you are going to do one of the things mentioned above, do it at least at a 5th grade reading level. I swear some people have never heard of a comma. I mean, it was tough enough to take your conspiracy theory about 9/11 seriously in the first place, and you’re not making it easier with your inability to sound out the word “pentagon”.
Users get a free month of internet for every minute of “Two Girls One Cup” video they watch
A bit of reward system with this one. If you can last a minute watching that video, you deserve some free wifi. Also everyone’s acting like all this new stuff is the downfall of the internet, but once videos like that started to get posted, I knew this whole internet thing was doomed.
Twitter users will be fined for every obscure emotional tweet posted
I’ve noticed that celebrities have found this formula where if they tweet something obscure and meaningless enough, everyone will try to relate to it, and retweet it.
Tweets like this:
This has absolutely zero meaning, yet over 35,000 people have retweeted it. This could apply to anyone, from a middle school girl waiting for a text back, or me on the phone with an Uber driver telling him to wait 2 minutes so I can pull trig in the bathroom before I leave.
This is still my all time favorite though:
Yea I think that covers just about about everyone. It’s honestly impressive to see someone pander to the entire female population. Could have just said “I like girls with facial features”.
College Professors will be charged for every passive aggressive email they send me about writing blogs in class and not participating
This will be a big money maker. Sorry I don’t raise my hand more, I have an empire to run. If you want me to pay attention in class, stop putting all the notes on Blackboard. Also shout out to an unnamed professor who said I couldn’t teach myself the class the night before the final. Pressure makes diamonds. I win again. See you at graduation. Buy a poster.
Girls will be fined $10,000 every time they don’t answer my DM’s
Pretty standard stuff.
Snapchat Users will be placed on a 24 hour ban for every picture they post at the gym
Apparently, unless you posted a mirror pic of you at a squat rack, you didn’t really go to the gym. That needs to stop. Take me for example. I exercise, but I just keep it on the down low. You don’t see me posting about doing cardio when I walk 4 miles home from a bar because I don’t have enough money on my card for an Uber. You don’t see me posting about the gains I get from carrying three mixed drinks in one hand while I try to pee. I let the results speak for themselves.
All Buzzfeed and Huffington Post articles will automatically redirect to meatspin.com
Is this because I’m bitter that Buzzfeed gets hundreds of millions of pageviews a month off of articles solely consisting of recycled Gifs from TV shows that other people wrote and lack any real substance or original thought. Yes.
So those are my ideas so far. And don’t worry, TFATB will always be free, unless of course it means me making more money off of it, in that case I will sell my soul immediately.