Everyone knows I’m not a big video game guy. There’s really no need for me to play video games when my life is just one big Madden glitch. Everyday I wake up I somehow find a new cheat code. I’m like the real life version of the player you create in NBA 2K where you just put all of his stats up to 99. Actually, that might be a bit of an exaggeration. If I were a video game character, I think is what my skill attributes would look like:
Tim McCue 6’5″ 200lbs (mostly water weight) Stats:
- Blogging: 99/100
- Paying attention in class: 30/100
- School shooter jokes: 94/100
- Talking to girls: 7/100
- Elusiveness/Sneakiness: 86/100
- Mouse Hunting: 75/100
- Remembering to close out my bar tab: 20/100
- Strength: Can bench press 135 six times
- Ability to take care of myself: 12/100
- Mental toughness: 99/100
- Physical toughness: 2/100
- Web Design: -6/100
Anyway the reason I’m writing this is to celebrate the fact that I found my Xbox 360 that I thought I lost today. After setting it up and playing one game of NBA 2K11, I have a feeling that this will inevitability go completely downhill and probably ruin my life. See, there is no worse time than right now to stumble upon my Xbox, considering it is the start of winter break, and I have a dangerous amount of free time on my hands that I’m not used too. Every winter break, I somehow digress into the twelve year old version of myself, and spend most of my days watching Sportscenter for the majority of the day, and only leaving the couch to make more frozen pizza. I’m like Benjamin Button but less of a creep.
That is nothing compared to the damage I will do with this Xbox. I’m not joking when I say I might not go outside until 2018. Does anyone want to come over and play? I’ll have my mom call your mom. If we can get a ride to the mall, my mom said she can pick us up later. We just have to pick up Mountain Dew and Flaming Hot Cheetos at the 7/11 near my house first.
Also, when I get into a game, I really get into a game. And I get really weird with them. Like when it came to sports game, I would get way too into the franchise mode. Most kids played Madden/NBA/NHL games for the game play. They wanted to be able to play the sports they loved with the heroes they adored. Not me, I would go right to franchise mode, and straight up run the front office. And I wasn’t one of those kids who turned off all the regulations and turned on trade overrides. Oh no. I think I was the only person to play franchise mode with the salary cap on. I was twelve years old sitting in my Hanes underwear, calculating luxury taxes, compensating draft picks, and simulating right through the actual games so I could get to free agency quicker. Have you ever developed a full minor league farm system in NHL ’08? Because I have. I was like a less thiccc Jonah Hill in Moneyball. So yea I was a pretty odd kid.
It gets weirder. I’ve played almost every Grand Theft Auto game, and have yet to complete a single mission. I played those games strictly to be a serial killer. Like I would spend hours upon hours just hitting people with my car, while sitting emotionless on my couch. It wouldn’t even be a cool car, either, because I never unlocked any of them. I’d just be riding around in a Ford Taurus with an assault rifle. Sometimes I’d play the games for so long that I’d get bored and try to drive my car and obey all the rules and stop at red lights. Once again, definitely not normal behavior.
I was also always too scared to play war games. I could never handle the suspense and pressure. I remember playing the original Call of Duty (the WW2 one) and not being able to get past the first mission, because I was too scared to climb over a wall because I knew there were Nazis on the other side, and knew I would get overwhelmed. Once again, lots of red flags in my childhood.
So as you can see, finding my Xbox is probably the worst thing to ever happen to me. Also once again, if anyone wants to come over and play, please call my house phone. If you bring soda when you come, please come in the back door so my parents don’t see it. No sleepovers though, my dad has work in the morning.
P.S: The Xbox 360 was the last good gaming system. Anything after that, the buttons are way too complicated for me, and the new graphics just give me a headache.
Also, 007 GoldenEye for Nintendo 64 will forever be the best game ever.