EVANSVILLE, Ind. –Police arrested an Evansville woman for driving while intoxicated after a police officer saw her repeatedly bounce her car off the curb on Lincoln Avenue near Vann Avenue.
When asked if she was drinking, Carla Kratz, 60, replied that she was “making pasta with vodka,” according to the police probable cause affidavit.
Kratz blew a .338, when officers administered a breathalyzer test, according to the affidavit. She was later given a chemical test, in which she tested .245.
I love this move. This is literally the real life version of Frank Reynolds making a rum ham. Cooking with wine is so outdated, and beer battered food is just lame. I think 2018 is finally the year that we as a society finally step up and make the switch to cooking with strictly hard alcohol. I’ll be at the forefront of the movement. Guess who’s cooking Christmas dinner this year? Yea, this guy. Oh what’s in the mashed potatoes? Plain Rubinoff. Oh you think Thanksgiving turkey makes you sleepy? Wait til you try my Christmas ham sautéed with Everclear grain alcohol. Why is the gravy green? Probably because it’s actually just green apple Four Loko that I microwaved, Grandma. I hope everyone likes my 80 proof garden salad.
I’m actually pissed I didn’t think of mixing pasta with vodka before this lady. I really can’t think of a more efficient way to simultaneously carbo-load and blackout, which happen to be my two favorite hobbies (excluding hunting mice and texting girls). Also, no longer will you have to worry about eating before you go out drinking. I think that bars should start serving drinks in food form. It would save me the trip to 7/11 at 3am to get hot pockets and Pringles. Fighting off homeless men for the last hot dog is really just becoming a hassle for me, so if I can just cut out that whole process completely, I would really appreciate that.
In terms of this woman’s situation, I think it comes down to what type of pasta she had. I think the mistake she made was that she must have eaten ziti, when she should have been eating spaghetti. See, ziti is just too easy to eat, and when you mix that with vodka, you’re just asking for a blackout. If you’re planning on driving, I would highly suggest mixing the vodka with spaghetti, due to the fact that it takes longer to eat, hence pacing yourself with the alcohol. I’m also not ruling out the fact that this woman might have just been ripping shots of vodka, and chasing it with pasta, which actually sounds pretty good.
So in the eyes of the law, this might be seen as serious crime, and arrest-able offense, but to me, all I see is some fine Italian dining. Still a better meal than you’d probably get at the Olive Garden.