Former Massachusetts state senator Brian Joyce was charged this week with accepting over a million dollars in bribes. According to court documents, one of the things on Joyce’s very long list of alleged kickbacks is over 700 pounds of Dunkin’ Donuts coffee.
According to the indictment, Joyce said in an email that he wanted “no decaf” and added “we like K-cups at my office if possible.”
In addition to the coffee, Joyce was accused of accepting a Jeep from a developer, free dry cleaning for a decade, and numerous monetary bribes
I guess America really does run on Dunkin. (That was a cheap one, I know.)
It must have been tough for this man to sleep at night, not because of the guilt, but just the caffeine alone. I’m no barista (I don’t have enough piercings or a trendy enough hair cut), but 700 pounds of coffee seems excessive. If you’re embellishing that much coffee, you should at least have the energy to figure out a way to get away with it.
Now it makes sense why there’s a Dunkin Donuts on every corner in Massachusetts. They’re basically the mob at this point, which is honestly a bit embarrassing. In my opinion, the Commonwealth has gone soft. We went from Whitey Bulger killing people in cold blood, to straight up cold brew. This is the Boston Tea Party, except with more caramel swirls.
I’m torn when it comes to the whole K-cup aspect of the story. On one hand, I respect the move, since K-cups are both tasty and convenient, but on the other hand, I wish he took the bribe in more of a baller fashion. If I was getting free Dunkin bribes, I’d make them deliver pounds of pure coffee beans straight to my desk. My office would be something out of Scarface. I wouldn’t even drink the coffee. I’d just walk in my office everyday and shove my face into the massive pile of coffee grounds on my desk, Pablo Escobar style. Then again, that would probably raise some red flags around the State House. Whatever, everyone takes their coffee differently.
The thing is though, I can’t really make fun of him that much, because I am all for bribes. I want to make 2018 the year of bribes. I feel like you’re not truly successful until you’re being offered at least 2 bribes a month. And honestly, at this point in my life, I couldn’t imagine a bribe I would turn down. Like people talk about how much money they’d need to lose a limb. Fuck that. I’d kill myself for $800. Forget hundreds of pounds of coffee beans, I’d turn my self right over to the Russians for a single iced coffee. You guys think I’m joking, wait til you turn on CNN next week and see a video of me and Putin playing pond hockey together wearing goofy hats.
If you really think about it though, life is just a bunch of little bribes. Why do you go to work? Because you were offered money. Why do you go to class? Because you were offered a good grade. Why do you get into vans with strangers? Because they offered you Starbursts and you hate your parents. See, bribes are everywhere. They’re like homeless people, you just gotta go outside and look for them.
So good for Senator Joyce for stepping up and taking those bribes, or as they call they call it at the State House, a Government Yankee Swap.