First off, shout out to me for working on Christmas. Everyone knows that every great writer writes on Christmas, and yea that’s mostly because they’re all Jewish, but still. If you can’t beat them, join them. Everyone else is opening presents while I’m opening windows of opportunity. Anyway, I’m writing today to talk about how bizarre of a holiday Christmas actually is, both in the religious and commercial sense. An “Airing of Grievances”, if you will.
First off, in terms of the religious aspect of Christmas, it’s a bit concerning how much emphasis we put on Baby Jesus. I mean, given the Catholic Church’s shaky past, you would think they would try to steer away from worshiping a minor. Maybe start focusing on Age of Consent Jesus?
Also, is anyone still buying the whole immaculate conception thing? I’m no doctor, but it’s never a good thing when a high school sex ed class can disprove an entire religion. Imagine if an immaculate conception happened now. That would be the best episode of Maury ever. “Joseph the tests came back and you are the father! Do you have anything to say?” “Jesus Christ.” “Who?”
Then again, with all the advancements in medicine, I doubt an immaculate conception is possible anymore. Like, oh I’m having the son of God? Not if this Plan B pill has anything to do with it. And I love the pro-lifers who argue “What if Jesus was aborted?” Well I would have gotten to sleep in today, and also would have saved myself eight years of Catholic school. People have gotten abortions for far weaker reasons. And I know that I joke a lot about Catholic school, but it’s also sort of not really a joke. I was in Catholic school in the Boston area when the story came out that a bunch of priests were touching kids. Do you know what that did to my self esteem? Because apparently, I was the only kid in the metro Boston area not getting any action.
Also, can we stop making Jesus so hot? Why is it that every picture or statue of Jesus shows him with luscious hair and washboard abs? I’m no expert in that time era, but I’m pretty sure Jesus didn’t have a Boflex in his carpentry shop.
The commercial side of Christmas has just as many flaws. First off, I’m not sure how we’re still cool with Santa coming down our chimneys. If 2017 taught us anything, it’s that you should keep old white guys away from your kids at all costs. “Mommy, Santa’s here!” “No honey, that’s just Kevin Spacey.” That’s a Christmas package no one should have to see.
Santa’s workshop on the other hand? That’s real, but not in the traditional sense. Because from what I understand, Santa’s workshop is basically a facility set in an inhumane climate, operated by deformed little people, and run all hours of the day. I’m pretty sure that’s just a Nike Factory.
I also don’t get why Christmas “dinner” is at 2 pm. You really can’t blame me for showing up hungover every year with a start time that early. That’s a late lunch, and it should be categorized as such. It’s early enough where you can’t enjoy a big breakfast, but late enough where you don’t get hungry again until like 11pm.
And lastly, why are stockings such a big deal? I’ve been leaving presents in my socks since I was 14. (My whole family will read this, and I’ll see them all for dinner today so that will be fun.)