Dear everyone who fought Global Warming: I hope you’re happy.

Are you someone who’s anti-global warming? Someone who’s concerned for the “well-being of the planet”? Did you call your government about the risks of leaving the Paris Agreement? Then fuck you. Look what you’ve done. You guys were so mean to global warming that it decided to to take its ball and go home this week. You cyberbullied it with your Facebook posts. You slut shamed it, talking about how many people it was fucking, and now look what you’ve left us with:

global warming

I hope you’re happy, because I’m sure not. You think it’s easy to write this while wearing mittens? Do you have any clue how challenging it is to woo women with my dancer legs being held hostage in a pair of ski pants? And don’t even get me started on the road conditions. I almost killed myself slipping on some African American ice this morning. Probably because it’s 2017 and I don’t see color.

Have you realized the magnitude of your actions yet? What’s it going to take? Where are my reparations? Maybe start off by paying for my spray tan, considering it’s straight up humiliating how pale I am. It was hard enough to get girls to fall in love with me with my bronzed skin, now the only assets I have left are my great personality, charm, wit, ambition, mysteriousness, passion, and bountiful business connections. I really have nothing left. It’s like girls don’t even notice my dainty boy like features crossed with my grown man mindset these days.

You know what I could have done today if it was warmer out? Run a marathon. Do charity work. Read a book to a sick kid. And it’s just sad that the only reason I’m not doing any of those things is because of the weather. Now, sadly, I’m forced to not go outside all day and watch 3 seasons of Seinfeld straight through. You think I want to do that? You think I like sitting on the couch all day and eating a dangerous amount of pizza and buffalo chicken? Well then apparently you don’t know me that well.

I also bet you didn’t think about the homeless when you were crafting your little global warming protest signs. How do you think they feel this week? If I know the homeless community like I think I do, the one thing they hate is the ozone layer. That, and being homeless. But mostly the ozone layer. If you think about it, the weather is the only thing that makes you homeless. I mean, if you sleep outside when it’s nice out, you’re simply camping. Once that temperature drops, and you’re still sleeping outside, all of a sudden you’re a bum. A bit of a double standard if you ask me. I also don’t understand how there are still homeless people in Boston, or any cold weather climate. If I was homeless, I’m heading straight to South America. All of these idiots will still be hanging around Mass Ave. in the cold, while I’ll be sitting on some beach with my pet stray dog soaking up rays. I’m also pretty sure you can buy a country down there for some spare change.

So take your fancy “science”, gather up all your “scientifically proven facts”, and take them all outside and bury them in the snow, because everyone knows that global warming is a scam created by the greedy polar bear lobbyists in Washington. And to think they don’t even pay taxes. Sad.



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