How To

How to absolutely crush social media in 2018

If you follow me on any of my social media, you obviously know I take it incredibly seriously. I only post dope ass pictures of myself, and definitely never put up pictures that are inside jokes that only me and three friends from high school understand. So with that said, I’ve decided to give out some tips on how to absolutely crush the social media game in 2018.

Make your pro picture an image of you holding a big fish you caught to prove that you don’t have a micro penis.

Everyone knows there’s nothing more alpha than catching an animal in the water that doesn’t have a brain. I don’t care what anyone says, that takes talent, and you should brag about that accordingly. The minute you make that catch, you gotta snap a pic of you holding it and immediately post it online. Definitely not overcompensating for anything else. Fish are dope, and so are you.

Post daily pictures of your car, to once again, make it clear that you do not have a micro penis.

Flashy cars are for people who can’t afford houses, but then again, houses are for nerds. There’s only one investment that’s smarter than buying a 2006 BMW with 200,000 miles on it, and that’s the sick sound system you’re going to install in it. And who cares that you’re 12 year old BMW is going to break down within the next six months and its going to be impossible to find replacement parts? Posting Instagram stories with the Beamer logo steering wheel is so worth it.

If you’re at a concert or a party, please post the entire event on Snapchat.

Yo those flashing lights on your story last night were sick.

If it’s cold out, post a Snapchat story with the temperature

Thanks, Al Roker.

Consistently post Facebook statuses concerning your political views to your 400 friends that all hold the exact same view 

Nothing says social change like posting your political view that you copied from some Huffington Post blogger on Facebook to all of your friends that feel the exact way. No need to vote when you can make the same joke about Donald Trump on the internet that’s been made 1000 times today. “Like OMG Donald Trump is like such a racist it’s like crazy. We should have voted for Bernie, he looks just like my grampa and wants to pay for my college tuition I can’t afford because I went to an out of state, state school because the parties are lit. Also, I’m like a feminist even though I constantly crave attention from men, and subliminally post about a guy I’m mad at because he didn’t take me to his date party.”

Delete and block anyone on Facebook who you don’t agree with politically.

Nothing says open mindedness like calling anyone who doesn’t completely agree with you a racist or a snowflake.

If you’re a girl and it’s cold out, post a picture from the summer of you in a bathing suit with a caption like “Rather be here than hiding under the covers”

I’m not sure what your cleavage has to do with cold weather, so just go build a snowman you slut.

If you’re out with your boys, take a sick group pic

Are you and all your boys wearing ill-fitting button ups that have the exact same pattern with white t-shirts underneath, ready to hit the bars and crush some strange? Then you gotta take a pic and post it.

When posting a picture, use an original caption like “Dilly Dilly” or “Saturdays are for the boys”

“Dilly Dilly” is the perfect caption to describe your sick weekend, despite the fact that its a phrase created by a corporate ad executive at a Monday morning meeting. There should also be an age restriction on who can say “Saturdays are for the boys”. Like if you’re 30, Saturdays aren’t for the boys anymore, they’re for starting a family or buying a house.

If you made some alteration to your physical appearance, post a picture of it with the caption “So I did a thing”.

Don’t worry, you’re definitely not going to regret that tattoo or piercing you got to get over a boy. It’s also completely normal coping behavior. That will end well for you.

If you’re having an unexpected baby, post about how excited you and your baby daddy are, despite the only reason you’re having that kid is because you didn’t have an extra $500 laying around to fix the problem.

For once, I just want one couple to be honest enough to post an ultrasound picture on Facebook with caption simply being, “We fucked up”. Every time I see someone I know post on Facebook about having a baby, it just reinforces my life decision to not get with a lot of girls, which is 100% a decision I made on my own. So just know, if you ever see me strike out at a bar, I’m just being responsible.

If you’re a Youtube star and find a dead body in the woods, keep the camera rolling and post it

This isn’t in response to anything specific that happened today, just a general rule of thumb.

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