I’m going to talk about my favorite snow day activities as a kid, but first I have some jokes about how white the snow is that I would like to share.
With blustery winds and inches upon inches of snowfall expected today, more white is being blown around than a bathroom in Vegas. The snow is so white today, I swear I heard it ask to speak to a manager. This snow is white enough to cross the street when it sees a black guy. I’ll even go as far as saying that this snow is white enough to have a relationship with its father. This snow is so white, it gets cyberbullied. The whiteness of this snow is so severe, it probably brings its dad’s shotgun to class. One more? You got it. Scientifically speaking, white is actually the combination of all colors, so technically the snow is rainbow. No wonder its so easy to plow.
Anyway, as you’ve probably realized by now, today is a snow day. With that said, snow days seem to lack the type of magic that they once held in previous years. Snow days beyond high school sort of stink. This stupid internet fad makes it so you can work from home, and you still have to do homework because of the satanic creation that we all know as Blackboard. It’s not like the old days, so all you can really do is reminisce, which is exactly what I’m going to do. So here are some of my favorite childhood snow day activities:
Hope that the old lady next door died so you don’t have to shovel her driveway
Just me? Whatever. Nothing sucks more than having an old person live near you when it comes to a snow storm. They never have small driveways either. Like for some reason, that 80 year old across from you once decided it was necessary to have a Walmart parking lot as her driveway that stores one Buick. Then she gives you five dollars, and tells you about all that you could buy with that in her day. Well you know what you couldn’t buy with that in your day, Delores? A polio vaccination.
Get yelled at by my dad because I did a shitty job shoveling
This isn’t really a childhood thing as much as something that may or may not have happened 45 minutes ago.
Injury myself playing snow football
A game of football in the snow isn’t finished until someone sprains their ankle. I’m pretty sure there’s a rule that says no one can go inside until at least one ligament is torn.
Listen to people comment on the texture of the snow
Nothing worse than the small talk of debating whether the snow is “fluffy”, or “Snowball snow”. Chill out, Al Roker.
Pee in the snow
Also something I never really grew out of.
Look thiccc as shit in my snow pants
I miss snow pants. I honestly wish it was more socially acceptable to wear them on a daily basis. Like everyone talks about girls in yoga pants, but I’ll take a chick in a nicely pair of insulated snow pants over that any day. Snow pants made you invisible. You couldn’t feel pain through those. They were just a vacuum of warmness.
Get a minor concussion while sledding
Two things you will catch while sledding: A cold and CTE. The only thing separating sledding from the NFL is a few domestic violence cases. Then again, go sledding in North Weymouth and you’re bound to see some closed fist love taps.
So yea, snow days aren’t like they used to be, but then again, they always sort of sucked.