How To

My guide to staying warm this winter

I haven’t been outside in two weeks, but from what I’ve heard, its a bit nippy out. Everyone knows I’m #TeamGlobalWarming, but my cause hasn’t picked up the traction I expected, so it looks like I have to make do with the sad reality of having my face hurt every time I go outside. If that’s the case, the least I can do is prepare myself for the ungodly elements, and look cute as shit doing it. So with that, I’ve compiled a list of items and tips to help everyone not kill themselves from being cold this winter:

Don’t be afraid to wear a scarf

Scarfs are like fashionable nooses, and there’s nothing more trendy right now than suicide, considering all the kids are doing it. Some people will say that scarves are gay and feminine, don’t listen to them. My boyfriend says I look plenty manly in mine.

Trench coats are always a good idea

The great thing about a trench coat is that they’re so warm, there’s really no need to wear anything under it. That’s a great way to stay nimble, as well as light on your feet. Whenever I plan on wearing a trench coat to class, I always text my friends “Don’t come to class tomorrow”, because of how good I’m going to look, of course. I also love to toss on my trench coat whenever I hit the playground to get an adrenaline rush on the big kid swing.

There’s nothing wrong with wearing several pairs of underwear

I’ll be honest, I do this regardless of the weather, but its especially important to do so in the winter.

Go blackface 

Some people may see black facing as racist, but guess what, they’re the racists for still seeing color in 2014. See, when you paint your face black, you’re better able to reflect the sunlight off you, hence warming you up quicker. Still try your best not to say the N word though (unless you’re alone in your room or something).

Hot Pockets double as hand warmers

Hand warmers are an overpriced scam and never work, that’s why I find it easier and more cost efficient to just carry around freshly cooked hot pockets all day. They stay hot for much longer than traditional hand warmers, and the subtle aroma of pepperoni you’ll give off will have girls weak at the knees.

Pee your pants if need be

There’s nothing better than a warm shower on a cold day, but with the on the go life that many people live, many times that just isn’t an option. That’s why, if I don’t have time for a nice shower, a quick pants peeing will do the trick. People forget how warm and refreshing urine is.

Mittens > Gloves

Mittens are splendid because no matter what mood you’re in, you’re consistently giving people a thumbs up. Also, due to the lack of fingers, it delays my ability to send 2am texts that I will end up regretting. Once again, don’t listen to anyone who says that mittens are for homosexuals, the bouncer at Machine last weekend said they made me look like Paul Bunyon.


1 comment on “My guide to staying warm this winter

  1. Mr. Hickey

    A winner. Loved this one.

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