Life Advice

“Four Loko Black” is here to ruin my life

four loko black

Shout out to Four Loko for getting to the point where they’re not even trying to disguise their drinks as anything other than a blackout in a can. Just getting right to the point with this one. I also love how they don’t even care anymore about the actual flavor. They’re just in their lab, mixing random ass chemicals until they end up with something somewhat drinkable. You know Four Lokos taste bad when they can’t even label the taste anymore. “Oh what’s this one taste like? We don’t know.. Uh, blackness”. Its never a good thing when a drink taste is best compared to the complete absences of light.

With that all being said, this is #1 on the drink menu this weekend. I already hate how many I’m going to buy it. Say what you want about Four Lokos, but they know a thing or two about customer retention. I remember drinking these when I was 17 thinking about how once I turn 21 and can buy my own alcohol, I’ll start buying respectable stuff. Well, here I am, 22 years old, still prancing on in to liquor stores and heading right to that fridge that holds all those drinks that no one with a will to live goes near. You know the fridge I’m talking about. That fridge that’s full of alcohol that they didn’t know where else to put. There’s Lokos in there, MD 2020s, some malt beverage from 1998 that still hasn’t been sold, a tall boy Bud Ice. That fridge is basically the island of misfit toys for booze.

I also wonder if Four Lokos will die out, of if I’ll just keep drinking them forever. Am I going to be at a barbecue one day with my wife and kids, hanging out with the other dads at the grill, while we’re all just crushing Four Lokos? I’ll come home from a long day at work, sit on the couch, and I’ll make my son go grab me my Four Loko from the fridge. Maybe my wife and I go out to dinner one night, and I order a Four Loko bottle to split at the table. My wife’s just sitting there, watching me sniff the bottle and trying to guess the year, waiting for me to finish so she can tell me she’s leaving me. I can’t wait to fall in love.

So thank you Four Loko for continuing to ruin my life in the best way possible, but also lets get the ball moving on getting the original Loko back on those shelves. Our work here is far from complete.

2 comments on ““Four Loko Black” is here to ruin my life

  1. Mr. Hickey

    That is amazing… Literally the alcohol of a 6 pack of Bud without all the extra carbs! On the hammerhead efficiency scale I think this buried ultra 64. And this was very funny.

  2. You sound stupid as fuck is this drink being poured down your throat dumb ass

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