Tallahassee police officers are searching for a man who they say ripped a urinal from a bathroom wall Monday night at Miller’s Ale House and then streaked into the woods.
Staff at the sports bar on Apalachee Parkway told police the man, who was described as being in his 20’s, entered the bathroom about 11 p.m. When he emerged a few moments later, he was soaked in water.
The man ran from the building north through the parking lot while taking off his clothes, according to the police incident report. An employee who watched the man run away said he was completely naked when he disappeared into the wood line. His clothing was not found.
First off, I feel like this man should not be that hard to find. It seems like the police have a pretty in depth description of the wanted man. Then again, I feel like there’s more than one guy in Tallahassee running around naked in with a urinal. But still, I’d assume there are less than ten. It’s actually best to just let this case go. Maybe take a lap around the block then move onto the next crime. Anyone capable of ripping a urinal off the wall and successfully leaving a bar with it is someone who should not be crossed. This guy is capable of much, much worse.
This man is a freak of nature. Ripping a urinal off a wall is not easy. Not that I’ve tried and failed, but I could imagine its on there pretty good. The courage alone it takes just to touch a urinal in a bar bathroom is strength that is beyond human. Then continuing to run while ripping your clothes off? Say what you want, but that takes some steady hand eye coordination. I would not be surprised if this man is military trained.
I would have loved to be there when this guy had his sober moment after all this went down. You know, the moment when your adrenaline kicks in, and you instinctively sober up for a second and realize that you are absolutely fucked.
I also respect the employee who saw him leave and just let him go. You gotta pick and choose your battles, and this employee knows he doesn’t get paid enough to chase a naked guy covered in piss water all over the woods of Florida. No one does. There’s not a tax break in the world that will make it worthwhile.
Part of me wishes he just walked out the bathroom, soaked in pee, and just tried to play it cool and order another drink. Just treat it like a minor hiccup in the night and continue on. Its like when you puke in the bathroom, and walk out acting like nothing happened times 10. I do think everyone needs a guy like this in their going out crew. Just a flat out wildcard who will make your shitty decisions seem much more benign in comparison.
So thank you to this guy for helping me feel better about all the destructive things I’ve done in a bar. You are a gentleman, and a scholar.