Did I expect to come across my dream job today? Nope, but here I am. Its not often that a job is perfectly tailored to you, but its not often that someone like me comes around. I promised myself I would never sell out to the corporate life, but this opportunity just seems too good to pass up. Needless to say I applied for it immediately, and here is my application for the job:
To whom this may concern,
My name is Timothy McCue, and I feel that I would be an exemplary candidate for the position of “Chicken Nugget Connoisseur”. Do I have the relevant experience? Well, hmm, let me think. First off, I deal with judging food on a daily basis, considering every morning I look in the mirror and see a human snack. I’d consider myself a 6’5″ chicken nugget, and I’m a strong believer that it takes one to know one. “Real recognize real” as we say here in the states.
That brings up the issue that this job offering is located in Europe, so you’re probably curious about the extent of my international experience. In regards to that, my experience abroad is limited to studying in Italy 2 summers ago (sup ladies I studied abroad), but I also fell asleep to the Spanish channel last night (I couldn’t find the remote to change it) so I do consider myself worldly in that respect. In addition to that, I passed an Asian wearing his backpack on his front side earlier today, and didn’t even laugh at him. Needless to say that I’m more than accepting of different cultures.
When it comes to proficiency in chicken nuggets, as well as other frozen foods, I truly believe that there’s no one more qualified than myself. I’m not sure if it made headlines over there yet, but I recently attempted to eat 100 McChickens within 24 hours. Although I only completed 18 (the final number is highly disputed), I think that the dedication, perseverance, and my ability to never stop not stopping have all been highlighted in experience.
I’m also not one to back down from convenient store food. I’m not scared to fight a homeless man over the last hot dog at 7/11, and have taken down a cold steak and cheese right out of the package on more than one occasion.
I’m also willing to go to lengths that others could only dream of. I’m putting it on the record right now that I am not afraid to shit my pants. I’ve done it before, and I’m fairly confident that I will do it again. Pain is temporary, wet wipes are forever.
Another quality I have going for me is my accessibility. I don’t care if its 2 am, I am always online and just a text away. Just ask any girl who’s phone number I have.
Lastly, I am fully comfortable with any nudity that comes along with the job, although I would prefer full frontal. Just think of my body as your wonderland. I’ve already attached a couple body shots of myself, please let me know if you need anything else in that area.
My only two no no’s are vegetables and haters, but I’m confident that we can work around those two areas.
Before I finish, I do have a couple questions for you guys, concerning you company and culture:
- What is your policy on peeing on bathroom floors?
- It’s 2018 and I don’t see color, will that be an issue?
- Is there a sexual harassment course in place? If so I would like to teach it.
- Rate me physically on a scale of 1-10.
I look forward to our future business relationship,
With passionate and erotic love,
That’s an air tight application if you ask me. Hopefully they get back to me soon.