Probably the most brutally funny video I’ve watched in a long time. The Webster’s dictionary definition of a worst case scenario. If you wear a toupee, there must always be that fear in the back of your head (or the top?) that your hair piece is going to fall off, and this could not have happened at a less opportune time. Its tragic enough to have your toupee fall off in general, but for it to happen in a gym full of high school kids? That’s what nightmares are made of, and I would not wish that on my worst enemy. This is how serial killers are created. No one has this happen to them, then goes on to live a normal life. If I’m the police, I’m tailing this guy all the way home, because God knows what he’s about to do. Talk about a guy with nothing else to lose.
What do you even do in this situation? I feel like putting the toupee back on was the wrong choice. The humiliation of having to bend over and pick you hair off the ground like its your wallet was not worth it. Then to try to casual adjust it mid game, and act like no one saw it? That memory’s going to stick with you for the rest of your life. If that’s me in this situation, I’m just rolling with the punches. I’d grab that hair piece right off the floor and toss it into the crowd like its a t-shirt give away.
Has anyone actually ever looked good in a hair piece? Its sort of impossible to know if your toupee is realistic, because if anyone actually compliments your toupee, it probably isn’t doing its job. It also must be impossible to keep up the illusion that its your real hair. People would probably get suspicious after a while when they realize your hair hasn’t grown in any capacity in months. You also can’t really ease into a hair piece. Like you’ve been noticeably balding for a while, do you really expect to walk into work one day with a full head of hair with a slightly different color shade and expect no one to notice?
If I were to get a hair piece, I wouldn’t even try to make it look realistic. I’d get a wig with frosted tips, maybe a mullet, or even a bowl cut wig. Honestly why settle for one? I might mess around and get a different wig for each day. Fuck it, I’ll show up wearing pig tails one day, I don’t care. Grab on, boys. Walk into class looking like a goddamn school girl. Probably have all the boys writing me love letters by the end of class.
Realistically though, a toupee is never the answer. That’s why I’ve brainstormed some other alternatives to masking your baldness:
Wear an Indian head dress
I call this one the “Elizabeth Warren”. Wearing an Indian head dress is a great way to cover up your thinning hair, which is ironic, since the Native Americans know a thing or two about scalping. And if you’re skeptic, don’t worry, you’re not the first person wearing one if these to have a “reservation”.
Wear a Turban
A turban is a great alternative to the Indian head dress, as it is much more subtle, yet equally offensive. With that being said, I would not recommend flying with this. I’m not saying that its right, but that’s just the world we live in today.
Start wearing a helmet at all times
Not only will wearing a helmet help hide your baldness, but is also a great way to stay safe. No longer will you have to worry about CTE. A true mix of fashion and function if you ask me. In addition to that, expect people to start being nicer to you, and start speaking to you slower, using simpler words. And don’t be afraid to start parking in handicap spots either. I have a feeling no one will say anything.
Be Michael Jordan
There is no one who made being bald cooler than Michael Jordan, so if possible, try your best to be the best basketball player of all time. Also don’t be afraid to start the most successful shoe line ever, if you have the free time. It would also help to be black.
So hopefully these ideas help you bald gracefully, and hopefully this high school basketball ref hasn’t become a mass murderer yet.