Sorry I haven’t written anything this morning, I had a death in the family. And by death in the family, I mean my computer is broken and I can’t load my website. Yea I know most people would just call it a day, try again tomorrow, not me. Nope. Guess who’s writing this on his phone while in class? Guess who got yelled at by his professor for using his phone? I don’t even blame him. Probably thinks I’m texting really hot girls (they go to a different school you wouldn’t know them) like usual. Nope, not today, professor. Some of us have to run an internet juggernaut from an iPhone 5. Go back to your PowerPoint, nerd.
I thought working from my phone would stink, but I actually love it. No longer am I bound to my 2012 HP laptop. No longer do I have to operate from the dark corners of the library. Dobby is free. This is what it must feel like to come out of the closet. All I have to say is watch out, and hide your girlfriends, because I’m going mobile. If you see me pussyfooting around campus with my head in my phone, turn and walk the other way. If you see my strutting my shit on Huntington you better pray I’m writing a blog, because if not, I’m probably sending nuclear missile warnings to your girlfriend. You don’t want to see me split those atoms.
I’d also like to briefly acknowledge my laptop, who’s been there since the beginning. The fact that it’s made it this far is beyond impressive. That poor computer has seen websites no one should. It’s looked up questions on google that no one should ask, let alone answer.
I’ll be honest, I haven’t ruled out the possibly that I’ve been hacked by the Russians or North Koreans. They know I know too much. They know I have the brain power to connect the dots. I wouldn’t even be surprised if it came from my own government. They know my idea to stop cyber bullying by not teaching kids how to read is too plausible. The Wall Street lobbyist probably shit their pants when they realized how viable my scratch ticket investment firm was. They know I’m a physical threat as well. They probably read my self defense blog about kissing my opponent to make him fall in love with me and put me up there on a list with Jason Bourne and Rambo. I’m wouldn’t be surprised if I’m being tailed right now. I might have to go to my safe house (Conor Larkins).
Now I have to figure out what’s next. Surely I can’t solely operate from my phone, and I refuse to use a library computer, because I hate sitting next to/interacting with other people. Also I probably shouldn’t write school shooter jokes using school property.
I think I might start hand writing my blogs and just mail them to people. Having people wait 3-5 business days to hear my take about something might be beneficial, as it might build more suspense. I haven’t ruled out using drones to make the deliveries. I’m basically Jeff Bezos at this point except not a creep.
So please keep me in your prayers, as I will inevitably get hit by a car while writing this while walking.
-Sent from my iPhone