So after the conclusion of last night’s NFL conference championships, its now set in stone that my beloved Patriots are playing the Eagles in two weeks. With that, I just want to take this time to go on the record of saying that I will be taking no pleasure in what these baby faced, naive Eagles fans will have to endure on that frigid February afternoon in Minnesota. Absolutely none. No one should have to go through what these poor people are about to experience. It already happened in ’04, there’s really no need to burn an entire city down twice. Ask WW2 Japan how that ends.
As much as I love Tom Brady, what he’s doing is wrong. No man should rip the hearts out the same fan base on Superbowl Sunday 14 years apart. Think about that. The last time Tom Brady ruined the Eagles’ lives I was nine years old. I was just learning my multiplication tables. And apparently not much has changed since then, because Tom Brady is still killing people, and I’m still trying to figure out these multiplication tables. I’m good up until the seven’s, but God dammit are the eight’s a bear.
I know this sounds condescending, but I am being completely sincere. I consider myself a nice kid (with some bad boy qualities, of course), and I really don’t want to see these people hurt. I don’t think its right for national TV stations to broadcast an entire NFL team get murdered live on prime time air. Even Aaron Hernandez would feel a little weird tuning in. Like if you’re an advertiser, I think you have to pull your commercial. You gotta be on the right side of history for this one. No one’s going to be in the mood for a heart warming Budweiser commercial full of horses when Nick Foles’ body is laying lifeless at the 35.
That segways nicely into the empathy I have for Nick Foles. This poor guy went from a career backup scrub, to carrying a team to the Superbowl, all to end his career on what one would imagine to be the worst retirement party of all time. No one wants to see that.
But enough with my thoughtfulness towards a fan base I find myself quite fond of. I still want to win, and I’ll do my duty as a fan and gives the boys at Gillette some of my game plan ideas for bringing home #6:
Start Brian Hoyer
Obviously the elephant in the room is that Tom Brady is getting older. No one has ever beat Father Time, but no one beat AIDs before Magic Johnson, and Brady has more rings than him so I really don’t see why not. With that, I do think Tom has earned an extra week off. Let him start the off season a bit early. Let him spend time with his three kids not including that bastard child that absolutely no one talks about and forgot about like 2 weeks after it (I’m not even sure what gender it is) was born. It would also end any debates concerning Belichick not being able to win without Brady. I’d say one SB win with Hoyer counts the same as 5 rings with Brady.
Play Gronk no matter what
A lot of people are concerned that Gronk won’t be able to pass a concussion test, but I feel like his baseline scores were probably so low, that it would be impossible for him to fail. The great thing about Gronk is since he only had limited brain cells to begin with, he has a lot less to lose when it comes to concussion. You can’t forget how to spell your own name if you never knew how to in the first place. Its like when commanding officers don’t tell their soldiers excessive details about their missions so if they get captured they have nothing to tell. Gronk will go take the test, fail at coloring in the lines, but somehow score higher than his original test he took when he was healthy. If that’s not the cutting edge of CTE research the I don’t know what is.
Don’t do anything and just let the city of Philadelphia burn themselves to the ground
I haven’t ruled out Philadelphia not existing in two weeks. Kim Jong Un is probably sitting back, watching the riot videos on Twitter like “That’s more damage than I could have ever done”.
Stick to what works. Do what we do best. Bill, if you need me to head out to Minnesota and set up some “practice cameras”, I got a pretty light week. Stealing signals and hearts left and right. Also if there’s no better time for the Patriots to cheat than now. The NFL has cried wolf so many times, if we actually cheated this year, I don’t think anyone would believe them. I would not be surprised if Belichick started the Deflategate rumor himself to distract everyone from his real cheating plan. Say what you want, but all I see with that is a well prepared coach.
So in all, I just hope the Eagles get to take in all the sights in sounds of Superbowl week before the sport they love playing turns on them in ruins their careers. Good thing there’s so much to do in Minnesota in early February. Talk about a dream vacation. Pack a bathing suit and some penicillin for those beautiful indoor water parks.
PS: Friendly reminder to the girls (and guys) out there that Tom Brady had the same amount of muscle/sunken chest/awkward picture pose as me when he was 22. The only difference is he had one less website. Also he was drafted last when he was 22, and I just so happen to still have four years of NCAA eligibility left. Just something to think about if you’re a hot girl/college scout.
EAGLES FANS: PLEASE DO NOT READ BELOW
I’m a little worried about their defense, and we have a history of losing to non-stellar quarterbacks. The whole underdog mask thing is freaking me out too.