Somewhere in the dictionary between the words fashion and function, sits a picture of this man. Just casually flipping the walking game on its head this rainy Monday morning. Little did I know that I’ve been prancing around like a peasant all these years, while this man is cat walking all over his competition. I spotted this man from across the street, and I had to do a quadruple take. My brain could not process what my eyes were seeing. No joke, I immediately started chasing after him to capture video evidence, because I knew no one would believe me if I tried to explain what I saw second hand. This is some science fiction shit. If aliens have truly invaded our world, he’s one of them.
At first I was worried that he had these due to a disability, but this guy was moving like Sea Biscuit, so if he does have a disability, I want it. Sign me up. I’m not exaggerating when I say he was pushing at least 14 MPH. He was moving faster than Aziz Ansari on a first date.
This man took a pimp cane, double downed on it, all while increasing its usability. That’s something you can’t teach. Probably had one for each of his side bitches. I need to know more about this pioneer. First off, how far was he walking? If he was traveling less than a mile, then he is my new hero/best friend. I feel like most people use walking sticks to hike mountains and severe terrain, this guy was relying on them to get him across Huntington Ave. This dude treats his morning walk to get coffee like he’s on the Oregon Trail. Just being an absolute jackhammer and braving the treacherous elements (40 degrees with light showers).
Being the alpha male I am, naturally, I need a pair of these. I’m always on my feet anyway, so I feel like an investment in a pair is already long overdue. My dancer legs aren’t going to operate at this high level forever (they might). The only obstacle would be that I would probably need to get them registered as deadly weapons. It’d only be a matter of time before I used one as a police baton. Catch me bending over my haterz and giving them a spanking.
The only difference is if I’m getting walking sticks, I want real sticks. I want to go out into the jungle and cut them down myself. I’ll call them Walking Sticccs. The store bought ones are for cowards. If I walk around with shitty CVS brand sticks, people will think I have arthritis or something. I walk with a couple tree trunks, all of a sudden I got some Tarzan comparisons coming my way.
Also the winter is deadly for me when it comes to falling. Historically, I slip on ice/snow probably 3-4 times a year. And these aren’t minor slips or tumbles. These are falls that rival something you would see on a Life Alert commercial. Picture your grandmother falling in the bathtub, but with perfectly toned legs. That’s what it looks like when I fall, so if these can cut down on those traumatizing experiences, then I think that would be a win for everyone.
So yea, I think I found my next purchase. Its only a matter of time before you see me walking around with walking sticks of my own. Probably will have girls (and maybe a couple guys) hanging off of them.