An Irish Catholic priest and exorcist has requested support from Ireland’s bishops as the number of exorcism requests has skyrocketed as he’s noticed an increase in demonic activity around the country.
In an open letter Father Pat Collins urged Ireland’s bishops to train more priests to deal with the demand for exorcisms. In an interview with The Irish Catholic he said “(I)t’s only in recent years that the demand has risen exponentially.”
I’m all in for more exorcisms. Honestly, I might need one. No homo, but I think there’s another man inside of me. A demon that is. Maybe if Catholic school taught safe sex instead of abstinence, I would have an easier time getting this spirit to pull out. Is there a Plan B pill for ghouls? Some people dance with the devil, I’m grinding with him.
I really hope I’m possessed, because that would make my life so much easier. It would be such a scapegoat every time I get my self into some shit. Next time I wake up and realize I texted every girl in my contacts,I can blame it on the demon. I get called out for being on my phone in class? Sorry professor, my demon needed to check his email. (Apparently Gmail doesn’t discriminate against evil spirits in this scenario). I might even pick up a gambling addiction and blame it on a haunted Native American burial ground.
In terms of actually diagnosing myself with possession, I’m not exactly an expert in this field, so I decided to conduct some research on the Google to find out if I’m truly possessed. When I searched “Symptoms of being possessed by a demon”, I clicked on a site, and this was the first picture that popped up:
These symptoms seem to describe a guy going through a divorce more than it does someone being possessed. I’d love to be on a fly on the wall when this dude is in divorce court claiming that a goblin of some type was the downfall of his marriage. That’s a bold argument to make if you’re trying to get custody of the kids. “The ghoul took half”.
The website then followed up with a picture of someone who was apparently possessed:
Look at the vertical leap. Apparently she’s been possessed by Michael Jordan. I’m also not sure why she has what looks like a high school locker in her room. I feel like there are much bigger demons in there than there are in her. (I was going to finish this paragraph off with a magic carpet joke, but I’m better than that, so shout out to me.) Also I can smell this picture from here.
There’s also a bunch of different types of ghosts:
Lots to break down here. First off, if you’re a common ghost you’re a loser, and there’s no way I’m possessed by one. The complexity of my mind would drive them out within an hour. They’d hear my brain think of the idea of adding a 30 under 30 list to the Sex Offender Registry and immediately pack their bags.
Also female goblins are 1000% real. If you don’t believe me, stay at Coogans after 9pm. With that said, I feel like a Witch would be the worst one to deal with. She probably wouldn’t haunt you with anything scary, but she’d just get pissed all the time and never tell you why. You’d wake up in the middle of the night to the haunting whisper of “I want you to meet my parents”. If that’s not fear I’m not sure what is. So if anything I’m possessed by a Subtle Sorcerer.
Anyway, I did some more research, and finally found someone who I think can save me. Dr.(?) Raymond Scott.
Raymond is by far the most qualified person I found throughout my extensive research (10 minutes on Google), and screw anyone who doesn’t believe he works 20 hours a day, every day, for the last 45 years. That’s a completely reasonable claim. Anyway, he’s services are just what I’m looking for:
I didn’t even consider interdimensional aliens, but that’s why he’s the professional. Also his prices are completely reasonable:
Finally I found a use for that extra $600 I had burning a hole in my wallet. So I decided to take the next step, and sent him an email to hopefully set up something.
So hopefully Ray gets back to me soon. I’m getting desperate. If I wanted to not have full control over my body and decisions I would have just been a woman.