Life Advice

Thank you to the Feminists for ruining Doritos

Doritos has announced that it’s coming out with a “lady-friendly” version of its famous corn chip that won’t crunch when you bite into it and won’t get the company’s famed neon green cheese powder all over your fingers.

The move is designed to make the product friendlier to women, who the company claims do not like to crunch their chips loudly and who refuse to lick their fingers in the presence of polite company, the New York Post reports.

But, of course, the new chips were met with immediate derision from feminist groups who claim that having women-only chips feeds into the notion that birth gender determines personal characteristics.

Nice going, feminists. Doritos was about to take a monumental step in the snack universe, and you had to ruin it with your little “treat us like humans” agenda. Seriously, how selfish can one group be? Yea, women might have taken a step forward by standing their ground with this argument, but the human race took two steps back. Its 2018 and we’re still eating Doritos like the Pilgrims. I doubt this was the better life that they envisioned when they came over on the Titanic in 1492.

Because like it or not, Lady Doritos are genius. No loud crunch, no mess, finally something I can eat while stalking my prey. A chip that, much like myself, operates under the cover of darkness. Imagine waking up after falling asleep while eating chips in your bed and not being covered in dust? Is that example only applicable to me? Whatever. You get the point. Lady Doritos are the future.

And who cares that they’re marketed towards women? So is Lady’s Speedstick. That doesn’t stop me from using it every morning. The feminine packaging on tampons doesn’t deter me from carrying one around in my pocket in case of a nose bleed. Like people expect me to throw out my bottle of Vagisil because it comes in a pink bottle. Grow up. Fungus knows no gender.

But realistically, none of this matters. How can women complain about food when they can’t even decided where to eat in the first place?

 

 

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