As many of you are probably aware, there is a growing subculture of flat earth truthers, aka, people who truly believe that the Earth is flat. Like any exclusive group, I had to be in it. At first I found it difficult to believe that the Earth was flat, since it didn’t seem reasonable that a flat surface could contain such a well rounded individual like myself, but after looking out the window of my local Jimmy John’s, I saw the road was flat, and that was all the evidence that I needed.
My next task was to find my way into the in crowd of the flat earth population. Thankfully, like any secret society, they have a Facebook group. So of course, I applied, and naturally, I was accepted within minutes.
It was refreshing to see that the group discriminated against trolls, but I knew I still had to be on the lookout for Ghouls, Ghosts, and Goblins. Not to mention the occasional Warlock.
When I visited the page, I was greeted with a plethora of posts, ranging from expertly designed memes:
To facts and definitions I would have never known otherwise:
On top of that were posts concerning various other subjects, especially, for some reason, Joel Osteen:
I guess when you spend your day filling your head with Joel Osteen’s thoughts, the concept of a flat Earth must start to seem a little more realistic, comparatively speaking.
Of course, I wanted to make my presence in the group immediately known, so I decided to introduce myself, and give my 2 cents about the our flat home.
Surely, I had won their trust, or so I thought. The first comment on my post was a bit concerning.
I’m not 100% positive, but I’m absolutely sure I was just challenged to a duel over Facebook. People say the Wild West days of the internet are over, but not on the Flat Earth (no trolls allowed) Facebook page.
My plan next was to try to use logic with the young man, and reply back with a Venn Diagram breaking down the situation, but I worried that he might mistake the diagram for two globes having sexual intercourse, hence triggering him even more, no pun intended.
Unfortunately, before I had the chance to respond, my post was taken down, and I was swiftly removed from the group.
So I guess the world isn’t ready to accept my truth. Just another example of why I was born too early. Me and the rest of the Renaissance men of history. Leonardo, Michelangelo, the rest of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Whatever, guess I’m just too thiccc to believe in something so flat. Nevertheless, I persisted.