Happy Valentine’s day everyone, which of course, is a holiday based off St. Valentine, who like many other religious figures in my life, enjoyed shooting love into people’s butts.
Personally, I do not have a Valentine, but that’s completely on purpose. I like to treat Valentine’s day as my day of rest. Most people take one day out of the year to woo women, but since I’ve been woo women the other 364 days of the year, I like to sit back and use this as a vacation day. You know, put the bench players in and let them get a little playing time. Give them their fifteen minutes of fame. Its not something I have to do, but it makes me feel good about myself.
With that being said, I do think the concept of Valentine’s day is pretty stupid. It really doesn’t accomplish anything. All of this love in the air still can’t fix the ozone layer. And there’s nothing worse than people who complain about not having a Valentine. Oh you don’t have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day? Well some people don’t have a groundhog on Groundhog day. Some liberals don’t have a President on President’s day. You don’t see them complaining, unless of course you spend any time on social media.
But regardless of my personal belief, I do think I owe it to people to let them in on a couple of my inside tricks on making the ladies fall for me like newborn deer. So I decided to publish some of my go to pick up lines that will work absolutely every time, and ensure that you will get the girl (or boy), this Valentine’s day.
Pick up lines
Are you a Domino’s pizza? Because I want to wake up next to you in my bed.
What’s the difference between you and my debit card? I won’t leave you at the bar.
Are you my Uber driver? Because I’m down to make awkward conversation with you.
You’re like a school shooter the way you have my heart on lockdown.
You’re like the $17 in my bank account. I can’t afford to lose you.
You make me feel like Donald Trump the way I want to push your big red button.
You’re love’s like Louis CK, its got me cornered in a room.
Are you my intro to statistics class? Because I can’t seem to figure you out.
You make me feel like a terminally ill blind person the way I’ve been dying to see you.
You make me feel like Bitcoin, because you’ll keep buying into my bullshit until my bubble bursts.
Am I your dad’s gay son? Because he’s going to hate me when he finds me hiding in the closet.
I’m like a welfare check, because by the time the 15th comes around, you’ll already be blowing me.
Let me treat you like a group project and make you do all the work.
Are you an orphan? Because I don’t see myself meeting your parents.
Are you my dad? Because you only say you love me when you’re drunk.
I feel like a house in the middle of Hurricane Katrina the way I get lost in your eyes.
I think I’m a feminist the way I want to fill your wage gap.
Valentine’s day is also an underrated day to break up with someone. I mean, you already made that dinner reservation, and there’s no better way than getting out of dessert than telling them they’re getting deserted. Not my best play on words, but break ups are messy by nature.
Good thing for you, the only thing I girl loves more than a creative pick up line, is an equally creative break up line. Here a couple you can use.
Break up lines
Our relationship is starting to feel like Puerto Rico. The electricity just isn’t there anymore.
Are you the Flint water supply? Because you left a bad taste in my mouth.
Do you work for Legal Seafoods? Because I think you gave me crabs.
Our relationship is starting to remind me of my laptop, because its not working and I think I gave you a virus.
Are you my Sprint phone? Because I can’t find a connection.
Are you from Mexico? Because I want to build a wall between us.
I think our relationship was included in the travel ban, because I can’t see it going anywhere.
I’m starting to feel like the UK, because I want to separate from this union.
You might as well be Kris Jenner the way you make me feel like a woman.
Are you Aaron Hernandez’s prison bed sheet? Because I feel like you’re suffocating me.