Sports

TFATB Complete Winter Olympics Breakdown

With the Olympics in full swing, I’ve been able to digest most of the events. So with that, I think its time to break down everything I’ve watched so far:

Figure Skating

Some men stray away from watching figure skating in an attempt to convince people how not gay they are, but for me, figure skating is much watch television. I haven’t seen a gay guy jump like that since Magic Johnson. Say what you want about Magic, but for someone who spent most of his time on the “down low”, he got up pretty high.

I’m also completely in on any sport that allows you to wear a costume while competing. That should be implemented in other sports. Football needs glitter. Basketball needs sequins. Baseball needs jazz hands.

My one dislike is the brother/sister combos in the couples division. If your figure skating partner is your sibling, you should be disqualified immediately, and honestly arrested. I didn’t wait four years to watch “Incest on Ice”. I actually think same sex partners should be added to the couples competition. Not in a gay way, (not that there’s anything wrong with that), but just for the sake of pushing the sport forward. Imagine two dudes just absolutely tossing each other across the ice? Its one thing to toss a 90lb girl over your shoulder, but another fully grown man? That’s going to get you some extra points. Guys being dudes wearing glitter and tights. That’s sports the way they were meant to be played.

Bobsled

The bobsled is the Olympic version of an Uber Pool. You never see a black bobsled team though, and I think that’s because a black guy can’t go fast a vehicle without getting pulled over. Ask OJ.

What do you call a bobsled in the Special Olympics? A short bus.

Snowboarding

Although snowboarding is seen by most as a sport dominated by white people, I tend it associate it just as much with the black community, because up until recently, neither were allowed on ski mountains. Unfortunately, snowboards still can’t vote. One thing at a time, I guess.

Skiing

I watched the women’s Slalom the other night, and that was the second most impressive thing I’ve seen a girl do with a pole. The only difference is she hugged her father after she finished. One girl skis on white powder, the other snorts it.

If you compete in the moguls, you’re far from one yourself. Nothing more enjoyable than not having full use of your knees in 10 years. The fun part about moguls is, if you look at them from a distance, it looks like the mountain has herpes.

Cross Country skiing

Cross Country skiing is the perfect sport for someone who enjoys the physical aspects of skiing, minus all the fun. You know the shitty part of skiing when you have to push yourself from one chair lift to the other at the bottom of the mountain? That is an Olympic sport. People have dedicated their life to just that. They even added hills because that’s how big of creeps these people are.

Skeleton

The Skeleton is the fastest I’ve seen a white person go downhill since Johnny Manziel’s NFL career. The only thing I’ve seen drop faster is Hillary Clinton’s presidential dreams. The only difference is the athletes don’t feel the need to write a book trying to figure out what just happened.

Ski Jumping

I think ski jumping is a bit overrated. Like if I wanted to see a Canadian get impressively high, I’d watch an old Rob Ford speech.

Luge

The luge is basically the skeleton for pussies. Its the Olympic version of holding your nose when you jump in a pool. Its the saddest thing I’ve seen on ice since I puked at “Disney on Ice” in 2001. That’s a true story, and probably the most tragic thing that happened that year.

Biathlon 

The biathlon combines skiing and shooting guns, two activities that us white people excel at. The only difference is you can’t ski inside a school. I mean you can, but its probably easier to buy an assault rifle than a pair of skis in America, so don’t yell at me if you’re offended. I’m far from the problem.

Curling

matt curling

No need to go into anymore detail here. This picture speaks 1000 words (and calories).

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