Life Advice Opinion

I need an assault rifle, and here’s why

Owning and carrying a firearm is absolutely crucial to American liberty. The founding fathers built this country off of that principle, along with the rest of their brilliant ideologies (excluding that whole owning people and not letting women vote part).

If you’ve kept up with the news, you’ve most likely noticed the push to restrict access to assault rifles. I don’t like it. I want to keep my guns. And here’s why:

Protect myself against the entire U.S. military

The second Amendment give me the right to bear arms in order to overthrow the government if need be. Because naturally, I can take out the entire U.S. military with a gun I bought at Walmart that I really don’t know how to use. Because see, while I support the troops, and actively campaign for and support massive spending on the military budget, I also want to be able to kill every single service man and woman at a moments notice, once again, with a gun I bought at a Walmart with my Sam’s club membership.


I need a gun, because I need to hunt, because I need to eat. I’m not sure what people don’t understand about that simple logic. It’s not like we live in your fantasy world, where there are these magical, air conditioned, places where I can go and buy prepackaged meats, next to bountiful fruits and vegetables. Oh and let me guess, this make believe place probably has every tabloid magazine you can think of right at the exit. Yeah, ok.

Family Purposes

I live at home with my parents, and even though it’s no Roxbury, Weymouth has it’s issues. There’s crime, drugs, not to mention multicolored Christmas lights and furniture on front lawns. So I understand that the day will come, when I will eventually have to put my firearm to use, and kill myself with it because my mom won’t stop bugging me to clean my room.

To compliment my definitely massive penis

My penis is huge. You can tell by my truck, my gun, and the way I treat women. Owning a gun is the most efficient way to non verbally communicate to people how not gay I am. The only time I’m in the closet is when I’m playing with my gun. Don’t mess with me or I’ll use my gun and shoot my load all over your face and chest. Fucking pussy. I’m not gay.

Because I’m an American

It comes with the territory (that we definitely didn’t steal), that every red blooded American should own a gun. Except black people because that would make them criminals. And Mexicans because that would make them drug dealers. Also Asians because they would just look silly with one. But the rest of us should carry guns freely, because it’s not like there’s a massive mental health epidemic plaguing our country.




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