Life Advice

TFATB Love Letters ep. 1: Pick Up Lines

As you might have seen on the TFATB Instagram page (follow or I’ll kill myself), I’ve decided to put my self taught love doctoring skills to use, and let readers ask questions and advice concerning their romantic issues. In this inaugural installment, I answer the plea of a young man that came through my Instagram DM (which is always open btw) who needs help with a new pickup line that just doesn’t seem to do the trick:

Hi Tim,

I desperately need your help. I’ve never been great at pickup lines – it’s just not my forte. But recently, after extensive research and field study in remote parts of Mission Hill, I believe I’ve found the perfect line. The only problem is: I keep getting left on read every time I use it (see the picture below). What am I doing wrong? Is it my execution? Should I send my apartment lease via carrier pigeon before or after “shooting my shot”? Do I just call it quits and go gay?

Anyway, any insight you could provide would be greatly appreciated!

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Best,                                                                                                                                                           Just Tryna Find Love

My Advice:

Hey reader,

Although you’re off to a solid start, there’s definitely plenty of room for improvement. Let’s start with the time this message was sent. A Saturday at 9:16pm? Be better. If you’re going to use this type of line, it’s got to be sent between the hours of 1am and 9am. That way, if it doesn’t work, you won’t have any recollection of sending it, so you can spare yourself the disappointment. On the contrary, if it does indeed work, you still won’t remember sending it, but you’ll wake the next day with a nice surprise and pick me up. Sort of like Christmas morning, but not at all. A stocking stuffer for when you end your night stuffing your stocking.

Secondly, your research and development strategy needs help. You can’t be holla’ing at hoes all through Roxbury, and expect that method to translate over to a white girl named Adriana. When I do R&D, I like to start a place where the stakes are lower, say a playground or an elementary school.

That being said, I am fond of your carrier pigeon idea. It’s like getting into Hogwarts except instead of a white owl carrying an acceptance letter, it’s a bird carrying a piece of notebook paper with “u up?” scribbled on it. Also, girls love guys with pets, and there’s nothing weird with inviting a girl over to play with your pet pigeon. The sheer athleticism it takes to catch one of those bastards is impressive in its own right. Trust me, I’ve been trying for years.  Lastly, a pigeon is a great idea, because if she seems receptive to the animal, you’ll know she cools with handling disease ridden creatures, which is great for guys like us.

In terms of calling it quits and going gay? I’d recommend starting small and seeing how you like it. Check out a Broadway play. Take the seat cushion off of your bike. Blow a dude (a kiss). You know, small stuff like that.

Hopefully this advice helps, and if anyone needs my worldly wisdom, DM me your question on Instagram, or fill out the form below.

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