Weird News

Definitely straight man arrested after killing a man over an argument about who was least gay

A student is facing life in prison for murdering a man over a WhatsApp argument about who was “least gay”.

Paul Akinnuoye, 20, from Tunbridge Wells in Kent, stabbed to death Jordan Wright, 19, after the pair traded gay insults in a group called “Ice city boyz”, a court heard.

The defendant called Wright a “batty boy”, and he retorted: “On your mum’s life I’m straighter than you.”

The argument escalated and led to the pair agreeing to a fight in Shooters Hill, south-east London. Akinnuoye armed himself with a small knife but the victim, who was due to start a construction apprenticeship days later, regarded it as a “fist-fight ting”, the court was told.

On the evening of 19 April last year, the defendant travelled from Tunbridge Wells and met with a group of men, including Wright, in Blackheath.

If “On your mum’s life I’m straighter than you” isn’t on this kid’s gravestone, then I don’t know what to believe in anymore. That’s a first ballot hall of fame quote. Putting your sexuality on someone else’s mother’s life is a huge power move.

Also how is someone straighter than another straight person, and how is that measured? I feel like they were all words and no action. If they really wanted to figure out who was straighter, they should have each had gay sex, and whoever liked it less would be crowned king of the straights. That’s how real men settle disagreements.

Killing someone because he called you gay, is definitely the best way to prove to people that you’re totally not gay. That’s a completely normal reaction from a completely straight person.

This is why the gays are rising in social status. They’ve somehow figured out how to take out all of their enemies without even doing anything. I’m not sure how, but they’ve manipulated homophobes to the point where they’re just killing each other. They’re just sitting back with their legs crossed, Appletini’s in hand, while these guys implode from the inside.

I think I might steal this tactic from them. Just call sexually insecure straight guys gay until I get what I want. Like “Hey if you don’t Venmo me $20 right now then you’re definitely gay.” Seems flawless.

Also, once this kid gets to prison, his sexuality is really going to be put to the test. Oh you’re not gay? Let’s see what Big Mike has to say about that. One day you’re king of the straights, next day you’re Big Mike’s prison bitch. Life comes fast, unfortunately, Big Mike doesn’t.

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