Opinion

I went to Foxwoods this weekend, and realized gambling is not fun

I ventured out to Foxwoods this weekend, and to be honest, it was not what I expected. I pictured the experience to be a scene out of Ocean’s 11, which it was, if Ocean’s 11 was a film about a bunch of old ladies sitting in front of slot machines on motorized scooters while smoking cigarettes.

I’d actually compare it more to Poltergeist, considering how many messed up events were happening on an Indian Reservation. Also, people forget that the Louisiana Purchase was the first time an American gambled on Native American soil.

Overall, it was a fun experience, the only issue I had was with the gambling. I never gamble money, but then again, my life is a gamble, so in that case, I’d consider myself a high roller. I roll the dice every time I buy food from 7/11, since after it’s digested, it always ends in a royal flush. Also with the Boston serial killer on the loose, going out drinking is much like playing Texas Hold-em, because both games end in a river.

Shortly after arriving to Foxwoods, the first game I played was roulette. Immediately this game was a struggle for me, since it required me to choose between black and red, and everyone knows it’s 2018 and I don’t see color. Regardless, I powered through, and put $10 on African American. Reparations, if you will. That way, if I didn’t win, I could accuse the dealer of racism. Much like Black Panther’s Oscar strategy.

Anyway, with a 50/50 chance to win, naturally I was 100% sure I would come out the victor. That’s just basic statistics. P hat? More like P Diddy. Against all odds (the one’s that were clearly stated), I lost the best, and like every other Saturday night, I was left on red. All of a sudden, I was out $10, which is half of my net worth, so that wasn’t a great feeling. I don’t know how people keep their cool when they loose thousands gambling. I lost a mixed drink worth of money, and was ready to burn the entire casino to the ground.

I decided to leave the table and swallow my losses. I had $5 left in chips (big baller brand), so I decided to hit the slot machine. The slot machine was an interesting scene, mostly because I’m pretty sure the woman sitting next to me was dead. Weekend at Chief Bernie’s, if you will. I should have known this would end in disaster. I pulled a lever 5 times, and all of a sudden all of my money was gone. Rookie mistake by me. The only time I use leverage to make money is when I acquire debt to purchase an asset. (That was a finance joke that 3 people will get. Gotta put that degree to use somehow).

So after loosing my life savings of $15, I think I’m going to stay away from the felt tables for a while, and stick to using the risk free TFATB Mutual Fund, that definitely is not a Ponzi Scheme.

 

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