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If you die from the flu you’re a massive pussy

A killer flu pandemic could be poised to sweep the globe “tomorrow,” killing as many as 33 million people in its first 200 days.

A catastrophic shift in the flu virus could wipe out 300 million people, a leading flu expert has warned.

Dr. Jonathan Quick, chair of the Global Health Council, said the flu virus is “the most diabolical, hardest-to-control, and fastest-spreading potential viral killer known to humankind.”

How are people still dying from the flu? Take some NyQuil, lay on the couch and watch Jerry Springer for a couple days, and then you’re good. Dying from the flu has to be the most embarrassing way to go. Out of all of the deadly diseases I come in contact with on a daily basis on the Orange Line, if the flu is the one that gets me I’m going to be so bitter. If I die from the flu, I hope someone brings me back to life just so I can kill myself.

Dying from the flu is like getting hit by an ice cream truck. Sure, it stinks, but you have to agree there’s some humor there. If the flu kills you, that’s basically like being murdered by a runny nose.

I really hope this new flu thing isn’t a real thing, because I really don’t need to see another Go Fund Me link pop up on my Facebook feed. Talk about a saturated market. When I eventually get terminally ill (within the next calendar year), please spare me some dignity and don’t ask random strangers on the internet for money. Don’t worry about giving me the “funeral I deserve”. I don’t deserve shit. I’m dead. I don’t matter anymore. Just cremate me, put my ashes in a Juul pod, and smoke me in the bathroom of Ned Devine’s like God intended.

I refuse to take the flu seriously until people start organizing road races to raise money against it. And even if someone were to have a 5k fighting the flu, what would the donated money go towards? Extra Kleenex? Ginger ale? (Easily the best sick drink).

And no I’m not worried about karma, and getting sick after writing this article. Why? Because the flu virus wouldn’t last an hour in my body. It would get to my stomach and be like “holy shit there’s a convenience store burrito in here from 2006, I’m out”. It would try to eat away at my body and end up just getting diabetes. It would see a liquid coming down my throat, think “finally something useful”, then I’m like “surprise, bitch, it’s a four loko”. Prank.

If Michael Jordan could play in a playoff game with the flu, I think you can manage staying alive. I refuse to die from any sickness or disease that a professional athlete successfully played with. Like Magic Johnson and AIDS. Or Eli Manning and Autism. What’s your excuse?

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