Internet Battles

I am sorry for calling this man a crackhead

So the other day I wrote a post about Man being arrested for ding dong ditching houses then claiming that he’s Matthew McConaughey Whatever. Typical run of the mill story. Open and close case. Typical me, manufacturing blogs like the human assembly line you all know and love. That was until this comment:

crackhead comment

A lot to un-package. First, I’m not sure how to respond to this. On one hand, I could easily summon my suicidal thoughts stemming from it being Monday and me not getting enough sleep last night, and unleash a bukakke of truth on this girl. I could spend the next 800 words making fun of the name “Brooklynn”, but that would be too easy. The first rule of making fun of people is not to punch down. So I would like to apologize.

Brooklynn,

I am sorry for calling Troy Miller a crackhead. Although at first I mistook him for one, because, well, he looks just like one, I now know that he is indeed not a crackhead. With that said, I would like to update my readers on the truth:

Troy Miller is not a crackhead who ding dong ditched houses and then told police that he was Matthew McConaughey, but actually, a completely sober person who ding dong ditched houses and then told police that he was Matthew McConaughey. Completely different story.

I’m sorry for attempting to destroy his life, something he definitely wasn’t already doing. If I ever ding dong ditch houses then tell police that I’m Matthew McConaughey while dead sober, I would like to be treated with respect as well.

Because you know what, this is America, and if you can’t commit childhood pranks and then follow it up by telling police that you’re actually one of the most famous movie stars in the world, then we might as well live in Russia. Ding Dong ditching is an American pastime. Ask any thirteen year old (or Troy Miller).

This is how dictatorships start. One second, you’re persecuting someone for ding dong ditching houses and then telling police that he was Matthew McConaughey, then next thing you know it’s 1940’s Germany all over again. Thankfully, there’s people like Troy Miller here to remind us that there’s no true Final Solution. Only polite suggestions.

In addition to that, I’d like to let it be known that Brooklynn is right, and that I should have taken it into consideration that this is somebody’s son. You see, I also, am somebody’s son (along with everyone other male who was born in the history of the world). I think the world would be a better place if we were nicer to people who were given birth to at some point in time. Hitler was a son, maybe we judged him too early. Jesus was a son, and we crucified that poor bastard. Of course, there are plenty of other sons, but mostly Jesus, Hitler, and Troy Miller. Blessings really do come in three’s.

So sorry for calling a grown man who ding dong ditched houses then told police he was Matthew McConaughey a crackhead. He’s a completely normal person, just like you and me, except he ding dong ditches houses and then tells police that he’s Matthew McConaughey. Thank you for bringing this to attention, Brooklynn. You have a very nice name that’s not white trash at all. The extra “n” at the end of your name serves a completely useful purpose, and I’m sure it looks great on your EBT card.

2 comments on “I am sorry for calling this man a crackhead

  1. Anonymous

    TIM QUIT UR JOB

  2. Anonymous

    UR SO HOT

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