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A company is pitching a mind-uploading program except there’s a 100% chance you die

A startup is pitching a mind-uploading service that is “100 percent fatal”
Nectome will preserve your brain, but you have to be euthanized first.

As it says on his website: “What if we told you we could back up your mind?” So yeah. Nectome is a preserve-your-brain-and-upload-it company. Its chemical solution can keep a body intact for hundreds of years, maybe thousands, as a statue of frozen glass. The idea is that someday in the future scientists will scan your bricked brain and turn it into a computer simulation. That way, someone a lot like you, though not exactly you, will smell the flowers again in a data server somewhere.

The product is “100 percent fatal,” says McIntyre. “That is why we are uniquely situated among the Y Combinator companies.”


So you’re going to kill me, put my brain on ice, and wait and hope someone smarter comes along and figures out how to scan my brain onto a computer? No thanks. There’s a much easier way to put your thoughts on the internet. It’s called a blog. Catch up.

This just shows how saturated the startup market is. Everyone wants to be an entrepreneur, and we’re at the point where people are just making up random shit. The main selling point of this “opportunity to be murdered” is that they have technology to keep your body frozen for hundreds of years. Yea no shit. I have that technology too. It’s called a Yeti cooler. I can get one on Amazon for like $200 and do this whole thing myself.

I have absolutely no interest in having my body frozen and put up like a statue. Haven’t you heard of shrinkage? The last thing I need is a bunch of girls (and guys too) snickering at my naked body for the next thousand years. The last twenty two have been painful enough. At least hang a tag from it that says “it’s just cold in here”. And good luck stopping my perfectly symmetrical nipples from cutting through. You could ice fishing with those motherfuckers.

I have zero hope in this startup. Who wants to be reincarnated as a glorified mac book? This is a crossover between Westworld, and that Seinfeld episode when Kramer stored his blood in his own apartment.  I don’t even back up my iPhone, you think I’m going to go through the trouble of backing up every single thought I’ve ever had?

I honestly just don’t have the balls to go through a procedure like this. I pussied out and skipped my dentist appointment last week because I was scared to get a cavity filled. You think I’m going to show up to the appointment where I get my brain pulled out of my head? Yea I’ll just take the cancellation fee.

And you know this going to get hacked like everything else on the internet. And trust me, the last thing I need to worry about is the thoughts in my head getting leaked online. The Russians will steal my ideas, and next thing you know they’ll start a blog and sell t-shirts and posters. It will only be a matter of time until Putin hires Weymouth John as his right hand man. (An offer I made but had to rescind because he mom yelled at me).

And despite all that, the real reason I won’t do this is that I’m still not convinced that I’ll ever die. I’m like a cat with nine lives. It makes sense. I’m agile. I like naps. I poop in sandboxes. Guess I really am a pussy. Jokes on you, grandma.

Like if I haven’t died by now I don’t think I ever will. Every morning I wake up I defy modern medicine. Every night I make it home I shock medical professionals around the world. Every time I leave a bar I split an Uber with Death. I cross swords with the Grim Reaper.

So congrats to these nerds for figuring out how to freeze things. Have fun living you life on a computer like it’s the Oregon Trail, I’ll still be living my real life like a Madden simulation.



1 comment on “A company is pitching a mind-uploading program except there’s a 100% chance you die

  1. This is friggin great. Keep it up!


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