The secret to clear, glowy skin? It’s inside you. Actually.
On Thursday, Page Six reported that “Ocean’s 8” stars Cate Blanchett and her pal Sandra Bullock had tried the “penis facial” with luxe NYC aesthetician Georgia Louise.
The Hollywood EGF Facial — a $650 treatment — involves a cleanse, chemical peel, microneedling, an “electrifying” face mask and a so-called “Epidermal Growth Factor (EGF)” — a serum that happens to be derived from the foreskin of Korean newborns. The substance supposedly helps generate collagen and elastin in the skin.
This story is absolutely preposterous. $650 for Korean baby foreskins? I got a guy in Chinatown who can do $475. The trick is to buy them in bulk, put the extra’s in a storage unit, then wait for Storage Wars to see who the lucky individual is who bids on my unit. I would imagine that shipping accounts for the high price,since you are paying for excess packaging, for well, excess packaging. This is why Trump needs to loosen regulations on imports.
Is China getting in on the foreskin gold rush? I hope not. $650 times a billion people? That doubles their GDP right there. I guess they’re growers not showers. This is why we should be taking China seriously in the global market. They prioritize foreskins. Why else do you think they throw out all the girls?
I am a little bitter that my parents wasted away my hood when I was born. These Koreans are starting their college fund with theirs, while mine has been collecting dust on top of the fireplace all these years.
I might get circumcised for a second time just for the supplemental income. It would be poor business not to. Then again, does the law of diminishing returns apply to my penis? Ask my ex-wife. But that’s what separates me from my peers. They don’t teach you foreskin valuation in business school. That’s a self taught life lesson. Can I write this off of my taxes? Would give a whole new meaning to the term “tax cut”. Socially liberal and fiscally circumcised. A tax bracket ribbed for her pleasure.
A circumcision would also buy me a couple well deserved days off. Guy’s talk about getting vasectomies during March so they can watch the tournament, but this a perfect way to still get those days off, while still having the opportunity to one day abandon my wife and kids. I wonder what my professors’ attendance policy is for foreskin removal? I’d love to limp back into class with that doctor’s note.
I’m due for a snip anyway. Like you know how when you fold up your sleeves on a long sleeve shirt, the sleeves eventually start to sag down? That’s what’s happening to my penis. A second circumcision would basically double as Botox. A face lift of sorts. Transfer some girth to my wallet.
I’m ready to take the foreskin industry to the top. I want to get into the sell side of things. Let’s get into mass production. Henry Ford these little bastards. Let’s diversify into retail. Asian children already put their blood, sweat, and tears into our clothing. There’s only one thing left. People will be like “Oh my god, Tim, I love your jacket. Is that leather?” . Nope.
PS: Finding a cover photo for this one was a struggle. I do not recommend Googling “circumcisions” while sitting in a school library. And sure, I might have gone to far with the Youtube videos on full volume, but that’s just journalistic integrity.