World News

Study finds that men who use lavender oil are growing tits

Young men who are regularly exposed to lavender or tea tree oil may be at risk of developing large breasts, according to a new study.

Researchers from the National Institute of Environmental Health Sciences (NIEHS) found that eight chemicals in the oils disrupt hormones.

Ramsey and his colleagues findings add to a growing body of research that has linked essential oils to abnormal breast growth called prepubertal gynecomastia

Developing breasts is the second most feminine thing about using lavender oil regularly, besides, well, using lavender oil regularly. I’m all for skin care, but if it means I have to start wearing a training bra in my day to day life, I think I’m going to stick to my CVS brand Clean n Clear. Say what you want about my 3 in 1 shampoo/body wash/soap, but at least I sleep well at night knowing I don’t have to schedule a mammogram appointment this week. (Not sure what a mammogram is but I know it has to do with boobs)

And when we say large breasts, how large are we talking? Because honestly, I would not mind a little more definition in my chest. I’m not talking cannons, but some A cups that could pass as pecs wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world for me. I’d be the first man to woo women with my estrogen. I’d be getting motor boated left and right. I might fuck around and get one pierced.

I need that extra mass though. My chest is as flat as Kyrie Irving’s earth. The thicccness ratio between my chest and the rest of my body is all out of sorts. My flat chest can be summed up in the fact that I stopped bench pressing because I was too embarrassed to ask someone to spot me while I bench 135. I actually cut out the gym entirely, so problem solved I guess.

The other unanswered question is will I lactate? If so, I’m 1000% in. I’m sick of waking up in the middle of the night, dying of thirst, without a drink in sight. Once I get these tits, problem solved. I’ll reach over to my nightstand, grab the breast pump, and chug that breast milk just like I did when I was 8.

Also, I would definitely use my lactation abilities for evil. I’d squirt my breast milk into my friends’ drinks when they went the bathroom. Classic prank. I’d breastfeed my future son, and take a picture of it just to give him shit about it when he gets older. Anytime he tries to act out in his teenage years I’ll always have something to hold over him. He’ll be like “I hate you dad” and I’ll be like “You weren’t saying that when you were sucking my tits you little pussy.”. I’m going to be such a good father.

But anyway, I guess the moral of this is don’t use essential oils unless you want boobs.

 

0 comments on “Study finds that men who use lavender oil are growing tits

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: