Everyone knows that I’m always trying to expand my writing portfolio and internet presence. Sure, TFATB is thriving despite Facebook actively trying to murder me. Yea I pull in steroid level traffic despite having an ad budget of -$14 (I accidentally overdrew my checking account the other day because I forgot my WordPress registration automatically charges itself). But regardless, I’m always looking for new opportunities wherever I can find them, and my newest opportunity just so happens to be a parenting blog called ScaryMommy.com.
How did I come across Scary Mommy? Just as you would expect. I was casually surfing the internet this morning, doing some light research on child leashes, and came across this compelling article written on the site, passionately defending the use of a child leash. Instantly I knew I found a new home.
The next step was to get myself noticed. Luckily, the site had a page dedicated to submitting articles. My only issue was that in no way do I fit any of the target demographics the site was looking for in writers. I am not a parent, not a female, and if they were to google my name, they’d delete my application the second they found this website.
Because of that, I decided to go undercover, and chose to use a pen name. I decided to go with “Cindy Ursula Nugent-Thomas”. It was perfect. Her hyphenated last name makes her come off as an entitled bitch who would write articles telling other people how to raise their kids, and her initials really drive that point home.
The only issue was the site’s submission process. They want you to submit a completed article, then if they find it worthy of their site, they’ll publish it with absolutely no pay. That’s not how things work around here. I didn’t write two Harry Potter books worth of blogs over the last year to be treated like an unpaid intern. I set my own price. I am Queens Boulevard. So with that, I decided to go an alternative route. Instead, I decided I would pitch them headlines that they couldn’t refuse, and then once they bit, demand a fair price, and get paid enough to drink this weekend without getting my card declined at a bar, and having to transfer money from my savings to checking in the bathroom at 1am.
So I continued on, and simply wrote a quick email like most would when inferring about a job opportunity. I introduced myself, noted my experiences, and talked about where I see myself in five years (dead). I then told them the deal about how I do business, and attached a word document with some sample headlines. 16 to be exact. Check them out below:
Breastfeeding; Why it’s not just for women anymore
Sex after 90
How to explain to your children that the divorce is completely their fault
Juuling: The safe alternative to smoking during pregnancy
What to do if you catch your husband having an independent thought
Why my son’s prescription pill addiction has nothing to do with me feeding him Adderall for breakfast every day since he was 6.
“Marijuana is ruining my daughter’s life” says concerned mother while washing down her third Xanax of the day with a bottle of wine at 3pm.
Vegan Alternatives to Eating Your Newborn’s Placenta
Adoption: For when you procrastinated on getting that abortion
“Video games are making our sons violent” claims father who beats the shit out of his wife nightly
How to spot fake news in the monthly PTO newsletter
Did the Russians hack the school board election?
Afterbirth; the next chapter in clean energy?
Why you should skip the Boy Scouts and enlist your son as a child soldier
Does your child’s algebra textbook contain liberal bias?
“Are cartoons making our children stupid?” asks mother who watches three straight hours of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
Your move, Scary Mommy. I’ll send you over my payment info whenever your ready. Then again, I might just start a parenting column on my own site. Sort of a take my ball and go home type situation. It’d be a real shame if I took over your entire market share while sitting in the back of my lecture.