Ever since I watched MTV’s Catfish for the first time, I knew it was only a matter of time before a random man wooed me on the internet using pictures of an attractive girl. That’s just how life works. You can’t change destiny. Just got to prepare for it. Anyway, it’s been years since that first Catfish episode, and to be honest, I was starting to lose hope. Maybe love was a lie. Maybe I wasn’t catfish material.
That all changed Sunday, when I received a friend request on Facebook from “Olivia Flores”.
At first glance, there were no red flags. Attractive girl adding me on Facebook? That checks out. 5 mutual friends (Of which I have many)? Reasonable. So I accepted the friend request and continued on with my day.
I thought nothing of my new acquaintance, until yesterday, when I spent my day on my death bed (I’m dying of the common cold) sitting on Facebook and creeping on people, most of who I haven’t spoken to in years. I then decided to wonder over to my new friend Olivia’s profile, and see what she was all about. This is when I realized something wasn’t right.
The first eyebrow raiser was that she’s updated her profile picture 3 times in the last few days.
Even if she actually is who she says she is, that’s a psycho move. Everyone knows you have to keep your profile picture the same for at least a month, or else you’re just looking for attention. So I decided to take the investigation to the next level. I decided to look deeper in to her profile picture history, and discovered this nugget from September:
Hmm, either Olivia had a Caitlin Jenner moment sometime over the last 6 months (not that there’s anything wrong with that), or she isn’t who she says she is. And let’s be honest, when you think of someone who would catfish people using some random girl’s picture, this is the exact face we were all envisioning. But I still had to give the benefit of the doubt. I’ve been known to post weird pictures on social media sometimes, so who am I to judge. I had to dig deeper.
Then I came across another massive clue. She posted a group picture with a bunch of her friends……and tagged none of them. I know, right? That’s punishable by death in some female friend groups. Now I’m suspicious.
I then scrolled down her timeline, and noticed she shared some content that was mostly in Indian (I think?)
I don’t even get this meme:
So at this point it’s fairly obvious that this is an Indian dude who is using pictures of a random girl to lure in unsuspecting men like me. Unfortunately, he crossed the wrong Facebook user.
He hasn’t messaged me yet, but I think it’s time to be proactive, and put him in his place. It’s time to take this to the next level, and give him a taste of his own medicine. That’s right, I am about to catfish a catfisher. The hunter has become the hunted. How the turntables have..
Now obviously I can’t catfish him the traditional way, and woo him with my pictures. Indian men tend to not find me attractive. My dancer legs weren’t meant for Bollywood, and I also don’t smell like shit. So I had to get creative, and go a different route.
The solution: Introduce myself as a Nigerian Prince, presenting him with a lucrative financial opportunity to earn money by simply having him give me his banking information so I can transfer $2.4M into his account for safe keeping. I did some research on similar scams, observing common themes of broken English and wrote up a pitch of my own:
Payback’s a bitch, isn’t it, Olivia (or whatever your name is).
So hopefully this guy will fall for my trap, and I’ll have my revenge. In the mean time, if anyone knows the girl who he’s stealing pictures from, please get her in contact with me, and we can discuss this situation in private. Maybe over a bottle of wine. In front of a fire. It doesn’t matter. At least get her Instagram.