Life Advice

Pour one out for the dead homie

Today’s finally the day. Mel Gibson’s favorite day of the year, Good Friday. I have to add that Good Friday is the most ironically named holiday ever. “Hey what should we call the day when Jesus was murdered?” “What about Good Friday?” “Oh I see what you did there you sick fuck.”. But regardless of the offbeat sense of humor instilled in the Catholic Church, I think it’s time we pay some respects to a real one, Jesus.

Jesus was of course crucified 2018 years ago today, which is still in my opinion, the coolest way to get executed. Like I know ISIS isn’t a big fan of us Christians, but they could learn a thing or two from our little book. Maybe I’m just an attention whore, but getting pinned up on a cross in front of everyone you know sounds absolutely riveting. That’s 15 minutes of fame. Maybe even 20, depending on your will to live. Sure, the motives behind the killing were flawed, but the theatrics behind it were downright jaw dropping. Just the planning and coordination it must have taken to pull this off is impressive.

My favorite Good Friday tradition as a kid was going to the Stations of the Cross back in my Catholic school days. Nothing says, “winding down the week before a long weekend” like breaking down a gruesome murder, step by step, on a Friday afternoon with a bunch of little kids. And it wasn’t just Good Friday we had to do this. We went through this thing every Friday during Lent. So by the time this day came around, the story seemed a bit stale. It wasn’t like there was ever going to be a surprise ending. We weren’t going to get to station 8 one Friday, and all of a sudden Jesus makes a run for it. Jesus falls three times during the stations of the cross. That’s a tell tale sign of someone who only focuses on the upper body when working out. He was top heavy. He was lifting with his back not his legs. Sure, he had killer tri’s, but those are only going to get you so far.

New findings recently came out that Jesus was actually black, which at first, was honestly a hard concept for me to grasp. Then I remembered that he was unjustly murdered by police at a young age, so I was like okay that actually adds up perfectly. Add that up with the fact that he never met his real father, and all of a sudden we have quite the foolproof case. And that would make him a black Jew, so Jesus was couple guitar lessons and piercings away from being Lenny Kravitz. Did you think this paragraph would end with me comparing Jesus Christ to Lenny Kravitz? Me neither.

So RIP to Jesus, a man who could never have accomplished what he did at such a young age in this era, because now at 33, he still would have probably been paying off student loans. Then again, he actually went into the trades with carpentry, so he was one of the smart ones. See, even Jesus is making fun of your liberal arts degree.

 

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