Weird News

Don’t you hate when you think you ate bad Chinese food but you’re actually 37 weeks pregnant?

Crystal Gail Amerson, 29, said she woke up around 4 a.m. Sunday with stomach pains that had her running back and forth between the bathroom and bedroom for more than an hour.

“I had Chinese food the night before and I kind of figured maybe I had food poisoning or something like that,” Amerson said.

But it turned out there was nothing wrong with the General Tso’s chicken Amerson ate the previous night. Unbeknownst to her, she was actually 37 weeks pregnant and was on the verge of giving birth to her second son.

I’m going to have to come to this woman’s defense here with this one. If you’ve never mistaken the feeling of being pregnant with the feeling of eating too much Chinese food, you’re clearing not eating enough Chinese Food. If you don’t leave PF Chang’s feeling like you’re about to go into labor, you better go in for seconds. Chinese food and Chinese babies are actually quite similar in the way that 50% of both usually end up in a dumpster.

I’ll be honest, 37 weeks is an excessive time to not know you’re pregnant. Doing anything for 37 weeks is impressive. That’s literally the longest time you can go not knowing that you have a baby inside of you without it coming out to remind you. Maybe you might want to lay off the General Tso when you can’t even tell you’ve put on 40 pounds of baby weight. Someone’s gotta ring a gong when the baby comes out just to fuck with this woman. Come full circle. Like at this point the placenta is probably 90% soy sauce.

On the other hand, this is her second kid. I feel like after the first you should have a pretty solid idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. Mistaking Chinese Food for a human life inside of you is an easy mistake to make for a first time mother, but by the second time around you gotta see that one coming.

And how demoralizing is it going to be when this kid is old enough to read, and comes across the story about how his mother thought he was a tainted spring roll? It’s one thing to find out that you were a mistake or adopted, but learning that your mother mistook you for beef teriyaki is going to ruin your childhood 10/10 times.

PS: I think this qualifies Dumpling Palace as a Planned Parenthood center

1 comment on “Don’t you hate when you think you ate bad Chinese food but you’re actually 37 weeks pregnant?

  1. Anonymous

    “Chinese food and Chinese babies are actually quite similar in the way that 50% of both usually end up in a dumpster.”

    Bahahahaha! This is my favourite you have written this month! Friggin’ dinner!

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