Opinion

Sign this petition if you think Mark Zuckerberg is a creep

So today’s the second day of Zuck getting absolutely grilled by lawmakers in regards to Facebook’s use of data and privacy breach, and I’ll be honest I cannot look away. Mark Zuckerberg is unintentionally creating some of the best live content in the history of television.

They say that your features become more defined on camera, and that is definitely the case for Mark’s Asperger’s. It’s like a car crash you can’t stop looking at. For most people the camera adds ten pounds to their weight, for Zuckerberg, the camera adds ten pounds to his social awkwardness. Like if you ever feel weird after someone says “Hey what’s up?”, and you say “pretty good you?”, just watch any clip of Mark Zuckerberg saying anything, and you’ll feel 1000 times better. I recommend starting with this one:

“How do you do, fellow humans?” Even with the filter you can see the emptiness in his eyes.

Then of course there’s this brilliant video where Zuckerberg attempts a “joke” for the first time in his life.

Boom, roasted. A perfectly crafted joke if you ask me. You can’t set Mark up like that or he’s gonna burn you. He’s truly a master of sarcasm. He also never confirmed or denied the fact that he’s a lizard. Personally I don’t think he’s a lizard, but the evidence is starting to build up against me.

But let’s break down the testimony so far:

First, there’s the fact that Mark is casually sitting on a booster seat

zuck booster seat

Definitely not the best PR move. Sure, he looks taller and less like a fourteen year old, but his publicists forgot the consequence of sitting in a booster seat, which of course is the fact that your legs will dangle and not reach the ground. You can’t take another man seriously if his legs are dangling from a chair. Mark looks like a little kid sitting at the grown ups’ table at Thanksgiving dinner.

Personally, if he was really dedicated to the booster seat plan, I think he should have just owned it and sat on a pile of books. And if I was a lawmaker on the other side of this whole thing, after the first day I would have switched out this desk for the tallest desk I could find just to fuck with Mark on the second day.

This also might be Mark’s first time ever sitting in a chair:

zuck sitting down

ricky bobby

I will admit he’s had some bright moments, like this completely normal soft smile that he definitely didn’t practice in the mirror all morning.

zuck smile

“Am I doing it right?”

Calm, cool, and collected. Just how we practiced it, Mark.

I don’t get why programs behind STEM funding haven’t hired Zuckerberg as a spokesperson yet. He’s the perfect example of how it doesn’t matter how personable, motivated, or charismatic you are, as long as you’re really, really, good at math and shit, you’re going to make a ton of money.

I look at Mark, and honestly I’m jealous. Imagine how powerful this website would be if I had his computer skills? You would all be my slaves by now. Also I wouldn’t have to pay WordPress fees and could finally figure out how to put more ads on the page so I could drink something other than plain Rubinoff this weekend.

But all joking aside, what Zuckerberg is doing with your personal information of Facebook is wrong (even though you agreed to it when you signed up, and can easily remove yourself from Facebook if you don’t like it). That’s why I’m taking matters into my own hands, and starting a petition to tell Mark Zuckerberg’s that he’s being a dick. Using other people’s information without telling them is an awful thing to do, and filling out this petition will guarantee the evil people at Facebook know how you feel. So if you’re sick of Facebook using and selling your personal information, please continue below and fill out this form.

 

1 comment on “Sign this petition if you think Mark Zuckerberg is a creep

  1. Thanks for a good giggle after a long day. I almost feel bad for him. But he violated the #1 rule: don’t be a dick.

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