So I wrote a blog breaking down the Craigslist’s missed connections section, and I thought it would be a one off post. I thought I milked the thing dry. Little did I know I vastly underestimated how many lonely (and creepy) people are out there. There are a lot. Enough that I could dedicate this entire website just to Craigslist missed connections. I’m not joking when I say there are at least 100 new posts every time I go on that God forsaken website. Each one is better than the last. The minute I think I found the saddest, most desperate post, I get one upped and I almost implode. I think I’m going to make this a weekly post, not only because I think it’s quality content, but also gives me a huge self esteem boost heading into the weekend. Here we go.
“We met several times at Walgreens and once we met at your place.” That’s an interesting progression. 1st date, Walgreens. Second date, Walgreens. Third date, your place. Tom works fast. Most serial killers do.
“We kept bumping into each other in one exhibit after another” is Craigslist code for “I was following you the entire night.” And no shit your boys have similar play styles. I don’t think there’s a wide variety of playing styles for little boys. It’s not like one kid’s play style is Avante Garde, while the other prefers more of a Post-Modern Contemporary style. And how annoying must it be to be this kid and have to deal with your dad eye-fucking all of your friends’ moms. “Hey dad can you get off Craigslist and fucking feed me?” This dad is going to give the worst birds and the bees talk. “Hey son, when you really like a girl, all you have to do is follow her around for a while, stare at her a lot, and then go home and post about it on Craigslist.”
Pro tip: If your conversation with a girl ends with a high five, it’s probably not going anywhere in a romantic sense. You never want a girl to give you a good night high five. When people talk about “hand stuff”, this isn’t what they mean. Then again, my little league coach use to high five me, and he ended up getting pretty far.
I didn’t want to put you in a strange position by making normal human conversation, so I opted to find you on the internet. Way to play it cool.
Hands down my favorite missed connection post so far. Short, sweet, and to the point. Just looking for Hobo Mike. Will Hobo Mike please stand up. No need to go into any more detail. There’s nothing I want more in life than the “Hobo” prefix. It’s like being knighted, except with more heroin. Once people know me as simply “Hobo Tim”, my work here is done.
“You looked shy and nervous and very intense”. Uh yea I’d be a bit nervous too if I came across a fifty year old in leather pants. You should also never assume a girl likes a man in leather, because I’m pretty certain that’s not the case for the overwhelming majority of the time.
“Hit me up bro” is my new favorite Craigslist sign off. I also can’t tell if this is a sexual thing or not. “Looking to get down” has so many different connotations. If it is sexual, it might be the most hetero way to ask another man to have sex I’ve ever seen. “Sup bro, tryna crush some brews, play some 2k, and also hold each other as we fall in love while looking up at the stars as we got lost in each other’s eyes? Alright cool hit me up dude I’ll grab a 30.” Saturdays are for the boys.
Part of me feels like you could have gone into a bit more detail with this one. “You sat next to me one time” isn’t exactly the most specific phrase I’ve ever read.
This is a lot. First off all, it’s never a good sign when you have someone’s work schedule memorized, but also don’t know them well enough where the only way to make contact is Craigslist. And in this context “I will probably end up in your line sooner or later” seems to come off as a bit of a threat. I need to know what could have possibly happened at Star Market that created this type of tension. Also the orchestra line came way out of left field. I was not expecting that twist.
Also Katie I’d recommend getting a new job. And a new name.
“We both just had birthdays.” Yea so did everyone else in the world. They happen approximately once every twelve months. Crazy, right? And following that line with “I want to make love to you” is a textbook Applebee’s move. Nothing more erotic than a dinner at Applebee’s. That place is always crawling with poon. Sexy at 65. Like a fine (old saggy) wine.