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Stupid Odyssey Article of the Day: “What It’s Like Living With Undiagnosed Anxiety”

I hate a lot of things, but nothing comes close to my hatred of TheOdysseyOnline.com. If you’re not familiar with the site, basically it’s an online publication that’s full of horribly written blogs submitted by mostly college students. They cover incredibly interesting and creative subjects like “10 reasons my boyfriend is the best” and “I know everything about the world now after studying abroad for 5 weeks”. Truly riveting stuff.

Anyway, I’m going to start picking out some of my favorites and adding some commentary to them. For this inaugural edition, we have “What it’s like living with undiagnosed anxiety”.  (The original article is bold and italicized)

I’m social. I like hanging out with my friends, my boyfriends and I like putting myself out there.

Congrats.

I’m smart. I do good in school, I apply myself and I find ways to improve when I don’t do well.

If you say “I do good in school”, you probably don’t, because if you did, you would say “I do well in school”.  Superman does good, you do well. My fourth grade teacher taught me that one. Also congrats.

I have a big heart. I love animals, I let people use my shoulder to cry on and I always try to help even when I’m not sure how.

Congrats again.

Traditionally, you’re supposed to start a creative writing piece with a “hook” of some sorts to get the reader interested. She went off the beaten path here and decided to open with an entire paragraph of patting herself on the back. Bold move, Cotton, let’s see if it pays off.

It’s in my nature. I love helping people and I love being social, but there’s something there. It’s always in the back of my head and it won’t leave no matter how happy I may seem.

Once again, congrats.

I believe that I have high-functioning anxiety. I say ‘believe’ because I haven’t been diagnosed yet.

Here we go. I love a good made up disease.

I get anxious for no reason. My palms get sweaty and my heart races. I feel like I can’t stay still. When I get like this, my mood is all over the place. I can’t focus on what I’m doing and sometimes it really sets me back.

I actually also get really sweaty palms. Sure it sucks, but I’ve never felt the need to write 500 words about it. Just wipe your hand on your pants real quick before you shake someone’s hand. Not exactly rocket science. “My mood is all over the place”. Yeah, I’m also a human capable of feeling different emotions. This is like in Always Sunny when Dennis doesn’t understand that people have feelings after the age of 14.

What is high-functioning anxiety, you ask?

No one asked.

According to Women’s Health Australia, people who have high-functioning anxiety crave perfection, have controlling behaviors and constantly keep yourself busy.

So you want to do well and like keeping busy? This disease sounds horrid. Also power move switching from third person to second person mid-sentence. Tim is impressed.

I strive to be perfect in everything I do, whether that be in school or at my job. I settle for nothing but the best and it lowers my self-esteem when I fail or feel like I have failed and it takes me forever to move past it.

“It lowers my self-esteem when I fail”. Yea that sounds pretty normal to me. I don’t think failure is supposed to feel good.

I used to be a rides lead at Six Flags St. Louis, so exhibiting a controlling pattern just seemed normal for me. I was in charge of my crew, I would tell them where to go, when to go on break and when to go home at the end of the night. It was my job to be the boss, and it was very stressful.

The way this girl explains her summer job at six flags you would think she was dealing with nuclear codes.

My job was stressful because people would be disrespectful, not show up for their shift at all or take longer breaks. It would impact me because my supervisors would get mad at me for it when I had no control over my team. It made me look bad and that is one of the reasons why I no longer work there.

You weren’t even good at your job either!? No shit people took long breaks and didn’t show up. It’s a fucking summer job at six flags. Chill out and go get baked behind the Dip n Dotz booth with the rest of the employees.

Keeping myself busy is something that I do a lot, whether that be by taking a boatload of classes, hanging out with my boyfriend or just playing computer games, I do it because it keeps me in a positive mood. When I’m in a positive mood, I think happy thoughts and I’m generally an upbeat person who people want to be around, which makes me happy.

“Keeping myself busy is something that I do a lot” is an enigma of a sentence. The only way you can keep yourself busy is if it’s something that you do a lot. If you only kept yourself busy a little, you wouldn’t be keeping yourself busy at all.

And I don’t think hanging out with your boyfriend counts as being busy. My grandparents hang out all the time, but they’re rarely ever busy.

“When I’m in a positive mood, I think happy thoughts”. Yea that’s usually how it works. If you were in a positive mood and were having dark thoughts, then that’d be something to write about.

PS: Who the fuck plays computer games? Get an Xbox you narc.

As far as getting diagnosed with anxiety, I don’t think it changes anything about me or my routine. A diagnosis is just a name for the symptoms that you’ve been having, it doesn’t define who you are and you shouldn’t let it.

A diagnoses wouldn’t change anything because you don’t have anxiety to begin with. You’re a normal person with a normal array of feelings. You can feel anxious sometimes, it doesn’t mean you have anxiety. You can feel sad sometimes, it doesn’t mean you’re depressed. Holy shit.

Imagine being a person with real anxiety and reading this? The only thing worthy of a panic attack is your god awful sentence structure, paired with your elementary level vocabulary.

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