(CNN) A Russian journalist and critic of the Kremlin, reported to have been shot dead in Ukraine, showed up alive at a press conference on Wednesday to declare that his murder was faked by Ukrainian security services in an effort to foil an assassination plot against him.
In a stunning development, Arkady Babchenko, 41, walked into a room of journalists in Kiev who had been expecting to get an update on his murder.
He apologized to his wife Olechka — who on Tuesday was reported to have found him bleeding to death at his apartment — for the “hell” she had gone through. Ukrainian officials offered a jaw-dropping explanation for his so-called death — to expose a Russian plot against him.
Thought you had a rough day at work the Tuesday after Memorial Day Weekend?
Arkady had to have had the worst case of Sunday Scaries ever. For most people, Sunday Scaries consist of dreading all the work you pushed off on Friday and the emails that built up over the weekend. This guy had to sit at home all weekend pretending to be dead. How many times you think he pressed the snooze button that morning?
You know the Seinfeld episode where George shows up to work after he’d been fired? This is that times 100000. Imagine having to fake your own death to avoid an assassination? I can’t think of a salary that could be worth that type of job. Then again, I could be down to fake my own death for free.
Being paid to fake being dead actually sounds like my dream job. Finally I’d have a valid excuse to never go outside. I could order in every meal without shame. Also I could finally live out my dream of attending my own funeral.
It also might be tougher than it looks. I’d be on the clock and I’d get a text from my boss like “Stop texting girls ‘u up?‘ you’re supposed to be dead.”.
Also if you’re at work and the guy you thought was murdered walks into the room, you get to go home early, right? If that happens to me I’m walking straight to my car and beating the traffic. I’m coming in late the next day too.
The least they could have done was have the meeting catered. Everyone who’s ever worked in an office knows that catering makes all the difference. You get that free lunch, AND you can save the lunch you packed for that 3:00 belly rumble. That has the power to change my whole week. Even if I knew the sole purpose of the meeting was to fire me, if there was free pizza I’d sit through the entire thing.
Lastly, this guy must be paying a mortgage on the doghouse he’s in right now with his wife. Imagine ruining your wife’s memorial day by faking your own death? I don’t think you’re picking what to watch on TV for a long, long, time.
And yes, I am just realizing this happened in Russia so they don’t have Memorial Day. Fuck off.
PS: How do I claim the rights to the movie title “Weekend at Putin’s”?