As much as I hate putting my weaknesses in writing (for obvious reasons), in the spirit of Pride Month, I’m coming out of the closet with the fact that I have really bad allergies. And I know it’s odd to link gay pride with hay fever, but with the amount of times pollen has bent me over and fucked me, it seems appropriate. I’ve blown my nose so much you’d think it’d return the favor. We’re here, we’re congested, get used to it. Itchy Eye for the Straight Guy.
Not to be dramatic but my allergies are actively trying to kill me. A weaker man would have sneezed himself to death by now. My head is so foggy my brain feels like one massive Juul cloud, and I’m suffering from a fatal case of that post nasal Rick Flair drip. (Wooo)
Anyway, in an attempt to win this nuclear war I’m currently in with nature, I ventured to the store today to purchase allergy medication. John Belushi and Sam Kinison both died from stuffy noses, so I didn’t want to be next.
After browsing around CVS for a little (walking past the condom and lube section and giggling to myself, a tradition I’ve kept up since I was 11), I grabbed some CVS brand allergy pills, and catwalked by way up to the register. I go to pay, and to my surprise, I get ID’d. Obviously I left my ID at home (I’m off the grid), so I’m in a bit of a situation. I wasn’t expecting a bouncer a CVS.
I ask the lady why I need an ID, and she tells me that it’s because the ingredients in the medicine can be used to make meth. Okay fair, I guess, but what does an ID have to do with anything? Why does my age make a difference when it comes to meth production. Like “no son you can’t make meth, not at that age.”
Naturally I sweet talked the shit out of the cashier and bought the medicine, but throughout the process a few questions popped into my head.
First, Is that our plan for fighting meth? Cracking down on Claritin? Like some drug kingpin is going to be brought down after the police find an alarming amount of Zertec in his trunk.
I feel like this law only encourages people to make meth. See, when I walked into the store, cooking meth did not cross my mind once. But after I got ID’d and had this conversation, I’ve been googling meth recipes all morning.
But all that just leads up to the real reason I’m writing this:
Should I start using meth for my allergies?
Because technically it would 100% work, right? If the ingredients from Claratin are active in meth, why not just do meth instead? Think about it, what’s the most prominent side effect of allergy medication? Drowsiness. What’s the most prominent side effect of meth? Here’s what DrugAbuse.com says:
Since the drug acts as a stimulant throughout the brain and body, there is an almost instant euphoria, followed by an increase in energy and alertness—effects that can last for up to 12 hours.
Other desired effects of crystal meth include:
An intense, initial “rush” that may persist for 30 minutes.
Higher motivation to accomplish goals.
Confidence/feelings of improved intellect and ability to solve problems.
Boom, they cancel right out. Sounds like a match made in heaven. Also, DrugAbuse.com might want to reword their meth description, because now I really want to try it. “Don’t do meth, it’s terrible. You’ll get the energy and focus to accomplish all of your goals and dreams”.
And the great part about mixing meth and allergy medication, is that you never have to worry about using the AM versus PM version of Claratin, because you never know what time it is when you’re high on meth.
Also, while I was on DrugAbuse.com, I noticed they had this quiz:
I feel like a questionnaire isn’t exactly necessary to figure out if you’re a meth head. I don’t think a Buzzfeed quiz is the right move here. What could this quiz possibly entail? Question 1: Did you sleep in a dumpster last night?
Is there a such thing as a casual meth user? No, right? I sort of want to be the first one. Imagine how sick that would be? You go to work, everyone is drinking coffee to wake up, and you just rip a hit of meth. Instead of one of those mugs that says “Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee” my mug says “Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my meth“. I’m in the break room taking my third hit of the day. It’s 10:30am. I just look to the guy next to me like “Mondays, right?”. He smiles. I smile back with the four teeth I have left. 2:30 comes around, everyone is crashing while I’m tweaking and being productive as ever. Maybe email a client or two telling them I’m going to eat their kids. Yea, my hypothetical job I’d have as a meth head would be client facing. Dare to dream, kids.
So yea, if anyone has any meth hit me up. If not, Claratin’s fine.