Internet Battles

I am at war with Mitch Martinez’s mom

So I recently wrote a piece about a kid I went to high school went who got arrested for child porn possession. Personally, I thought it was an exceptionally cheeky article that was full of wit, but some did not. Mostly his mom, considering so far tonight she emailed me twice, Facebook messaged me three times, and wrote a review on the TFATB Facebook page.

This turned out to be an absolute saga. So here’s the complete breakdown of everything that transpired:

I get an email alert on my phone. No big deal, I get like 8 emails a day. I open it up to see this:


First off, anytime you get an email from a yahoo mail account you know you’re in for something. Having a Yahoo email in 2018 is a psycho move. It was also sent from an android so that’s double trouble. I open the email, and it’s just blank. So basically I got an email from someone asking me to email them. That’s some Twilight Zone shit.

At this point I have no clue who this is or what it’s about. Who knows, maybe it’s an SNL producer or a talent scout from Conan. Maybe just a really hot girl about to profess her love for me. All equally likely. So I decided to write back and figure it out:


Then she hits me back with these two emails back to back. (Could have been sent all at once but to each it’s own):


Okay now I know what this is about. Not exactly what was hoping for, but I’m not going to act like I didn’t get a little excited when I read these. I was worried I would have nothing to write about today, but sometimes stuff like this just falls into my lap.

Then I got another notification, stating that Darlene wrote a review on the TFATB Facebook page. Oh boy I couldn’t wait to read this one:


I’ll give her credit those are pretty big words. I loved the “BIG Ego” comment. She definitely doesn’t understand the sarcasm and probably thinks I’m dead serious when I call myself a jackhammer and an alpha male. Fuck I just broke character. Pretend you never read that. (Also I’m low key mad I lost my 5 star rating. It’d be a real shame if everyone wrote reviews while commenting on hers).

Now at this point I was at a crossroads. Obviously it would have been easy to write a big response, making fun of her poor spelling and grammar, while continuously reminding her about the fact that her son is a pedophile.

So that’s exactly what I did:



Definitely a bit extra, but so is downloading 250 kiddie porn videos.

Then she hit me with 3 more emails:


“Parenting you know nothing about”. Okay Yoda.


Okay next time I make fun of a creep on the internet I’ll make sure to contact his family for proofreading. I bet you’d be great at catching grammatical errors.


Do I have issues? Of course. I sing in the shower too loud. Sometimes I volunteer too much. Occasionally I’ll make fun of a dude who got arrested for child porn and get lectured all night by his mother.

But at this point I’m sick of this lady yelling at me:


This lady is obsessed with my ego. You know, that thing I overplay on the internet for comedic effect. I call her son a perv and she comes back giving me shit for….perceived confidence?

So yea, this is how I spent my Wednesday night. Getting yelled at by a lady who raised a pedophile. Not something I thought I’d have to deal with when I first started this page, but a year and a couple months later here we are. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Anyway, it’s 11:30 at night so I’m going to bed.

PS: Darlene is going to be so mad when someone reads this to her.

PPS: I think I’m in love with this woman.


3 comments on “I am at war with Mitch Martinez’s mom

  1. Anonymous

    Wow Sarah! That was awesome! If someone was watching her son in a Kiddie porn flick,wonder how she would feel ABOUT that? It’s disgusting and that’s probably 99% of any normal person’s opinion.

  2. Sarah? Who the heck is Sarah and what is her part in this twisted little flick?

    Any way, this have me a few laughs to start my morning!

  3. Anonymous

    Fuck u jellybean

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