Life Advice Opinion

I have been poisoned

I’m still not sure which hater (of which I have many) is responsible for this, but I have food poisoning.


That, or I’m pregnant. The symptoms on WebMD were alarmingly similar. Unfortunately, I can’t have a bad meal aborted. There’s no Plan B for under cooked meat. I can’t kick spoiled dairy down the stairs.

Regardless, this was clearly an act of terrorism, and someone needs to go down. Whoever is responsible for me eating a full cheese pizza, nachos, and cheeseburger sliders last night at dinner with my parents needs to be brought to justice. Whoever forced me to order that third beer needs to be locked up.

Oh and don’t think I forgot about that entire bag of goldfish someone brainwashed me to eat right before bed. I’m on to your trickery. Is this the work of the Russians? Hard to say, but I do spend a lot of time of Facebook, so probably.

Also the timing of this is a bit peculiar, no? I mean think about it, out of all the weeks in the year, pride week is the week when my insides are getting torn apart. Now that I think of it, my pants have been around my ankles more than usual No doubt whoever did this has a keen sense of irony.

And let me just go on the record saying that throwing up sober is the worst thing in the world. The only benefit that comes with puking is that I can get a good cry in. I usually can’t do that without my dad calling me gay. Until of course my other dad tells him to stop.

Sober vomiting also gives me a new appreciation for bulimic girls. You earned that body. Thankfully my figure is naturally tight.

So shout out to me for still being alive. Nevertheless, I persisted.



1 comment on “I have been poisoned

  1. Clever

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