Life Advice Opinion

What teenage phase should I go through this summer?

It’s almost officially summer, so naturally, it’s time for me to pick a teenage phase to go through. You know what’s better than being confused about who you are when you’re 16? Doing it when you’re 22.

Now obviously being a playboy, wunderkind, genius writer isn’t exactly a teenage phase, so I’ll have to go out of my comfort zone for this one. Here are some ideas on how I’ll spend my summer:

Emo

Going emo is the perfect cross between social suicide, and well, actual suicide. Why kill yourself when you can kill the mood of every room you walk into? It’s also a great excuse for me to finally grow out bangs. Everyone else will be worrying about cutting weight for the summer while I’m busy cutting wrists. Why hang down at the beach when you can hang down from your living room fan? (Even if you think that’s too far, you have to admit the word play on that was unbelievable)

Gay

Being gay is so in right now. It’s reached the point where I dislike gay people just as much as I dislike everyone else. That’s what I call progress. I’m seriously considering becoming homosexual just to impress a girl. And how about the gays just throwing darties every weekend now? They just collectively said “fuck it, we’re throwing parades every Saturday”. I mean parades were gay to begin with, but now they are like actually gay. They literally took back the word.  It’s smart. You can’t be homophobic while standing on a float. It’s just too much fun.

And shoutout to the gay community for claiming every letter as their own. LGBTQ. That’s not an acronym that’s just the alphabet. That’s a scrabble deck. It’s a game of shitty hangman. You could win wheel of fortune with those letters.

I do think they could have done better with the flag. The rainbow is a bit derivative in my opinion. It’s never a good thing to share a symbol with leprechauns. If I was in charge of choosing the official pride flag, it would just be a solid colored canvas with the phrase “God Hates F(L)ags”.

Gamer

I never played video games as a kid, because I was too busy being scared to talk to girls and getting cut from sports teams, but now I’m starting to feel like I missed out a little. I recently found my Xbox 360, and I think I might just spend the summer playing Halo while drinking dangerous amounts of Mountain Dew. I also might splurge on an online account so I can tell strangers on the internet that I have intercourse with their mothers.

Goth

Nothing says “summer” like dressing in all black and worshiping the devil. Just picture this: It’s a beautiful June day. Your mom drops you and your friend off at the mall (down the street so no one sees). She says “love you”, you tell her to fuck off. Then you hit the food court for the day and make fun of the normies from a distance. Then you go out back to smoke a cigarette and puke right after.

Amish

Not exactly a teenage phase, but I think that’s only because no one could grow a beard in 8th grade. I mean one kid grew one, but everyone was so mean about it. I felt bad. She was a nice girl.

Stoner

I’m not exactly a weed guy, but I think I might change that this summer. The only experience I have with it was that time in middle school when my friend tried to buy weed, but it ended up just being oregano. Honestly it did the job. Technically, it does make food taste better.

 

 

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