With tomorrow being the first day of summer, hot dogs are officially back in season. The time of year when all the fair weather hot dog eaters come out of the woodwork and appropriate my culture. The same people who bashed me for eating 7/11 hot dogs in the midst of February will be the same people posting Instagrams of themselves eating hot dogs on July 4th.
But by now I’m used to it. With legs like mine it’s pretty easy to take things in stride. They go low, I go high. Sadly, this year is different. Now it’s not just nobody losers trying to get in on my diet. Real businesses are now attempting to cash in on the fruits (unknown meats) of my labor.
Over the past weekend at Car Free Day on Main Street, Vancouverites were stunned by the latest in “healthy food and drink” trends.
One tent was sharing science’s latest breakthrough, unfiltered hot dog water.
First off, it’s not a scientific breakthrough, it’s common fucking sense. Hot dogs are good for you. I’ve been preaching that for years. No one believed me. But now these jubronis put a dog in a Voss Water and all of a sudden they’re Jonas fucking Salk.
Now I know how the Winkelvos twins felt when that lizard Zuckerberg stole Facebook from them. Us handsome white men just can’t catch a break these days.
But anyway, here are their stunning “findings”:
According to an information brief from the company, hot dog water is not only keto compatible but can aid in weight loss, increased brain function, increased vitality, and it can help the drinker look younger.
Other “breakthrough” benefits of the beverage included:
Aiding your body’s ability to access calcium channel receptors in your heart.
Increasing the body’s metabolic demand to help you burn weight “quickly and efficiently”
Balancing the state of your body’s multicellular organisms, thus helping you achieve “max capacity for biological defences”
Once again, no shit. You don’t need a lab to figure that out. They could have saved so much time in their research if they just hit me up. Let’s go through the list of benefits and cross reference them against me:
Aid in weight loss: Check. My tween hips and my boy scout butt don’t lie.
Increased brain function: Check. These blogs don’t write themselves.
Increased vitality: Check. Honestly not sure what vitality is but I’m sure I’m full of it.
Help the drinker look younger: Does eating hot dogs make me look younger? I don’t know, ask the bouncer who asked me for a back up ID last weekend.
Achieves max capacity for biological defences: Forget max capacity, I got a line out the fucking door. The amount of biological defences I have is a fire hazard.
And how about this scam of a business charging $38 for hot dog water? What is this, the great hot dog shortage of 1925? You won’t read about that in your history books but it happened.
It’s just sad to see such a lucrative business opportunity be butchered like this. If I was running this operation it’d be a world wide phenomenon by now. I’m already foaming at the mouth with ideas:
- Hot dog water mixed drinks
- Kegs of hot dog water
- Hot dog water ice cubes
- Hot dog water steam rooms
- Hot dog water ice bucket challenge
- Hot dog water parks
- Hot dog water boarding
The places you could take this are literally infinite.
But I didn’t get in the hot dog game for the money, the fame, the girls, or the diabetes. I got in it because it needed me. Sometimes I find myself asking, “did I enter into the hot dog game or did the hot dog game enter into me?”. There’s a hot dog inside all of us.