It’s officially intern season (TFATB is always hiring, no pay/benefits), so I think it’s time I drop some wisdom on the college kids going out into the real world for the summer (spoiler alert: it sucks).
Anyway here’s some advice to get through being a modern day slave:
Find the largest person in the office and fight him (or her)
You’re going to want to do this during the first week (preferably the first day), to establish yourself as the alpha in the office. Swing first, ask a lot of questions to learn more about the field you’re working in later.
Have a gun in your desk drawer
This is purely for intimidation/mental warfare, so it honestly doesn’t even have to be loaded (although it’s not a bad idea to keep a few empty bullet casings laying around your desk). A lot of people find themselves chewing on pencils or nails when they’re thinking or bored at work, so instead of looking like one of those idiots, take the gun out and put that in your mouth instead. Once again, you’re probably gonna want to unload it. Trust me, the looks you’ll get when people see you formatting excel sheets with a pistol in your mouth will be more than enough entertainment to get you through that slow Thursday afternoon. Also people will be very nice to you.
Also, whenever you go to a meeting, bring the gun with you to the conference room, and place it on the table right when you sit down. Don’t even acknowledge it either. “Tim do you have that report we asked you to do?” *Placing pistol on the table* “I don’t know, do I?”
If you’re bored, just see how long you can hold your breathe
This one isn’t even a joke. I used to do this at work when I got bored. I would just be in my cubicle holding my breathe like a fucking psycho because that’s how I passed time. I’ll be honest I came close to fainting several times. My lungs were thiccc as shit by the end.
Moan loudly at your desk once in a while
This will let the people who sit around know how passionate you are about the work that you do. Don’t be afraid to get creative either. Let out a “fuck yea” from time to time. When you save a document toss out a “you like that?”. A little “aye papi” never hurts, especially if you’re working on an international project. Also don’t be afraid to mix in eye contact. A lot of it.
Smell your hands when you’re walking back from the bathroom to your desk
Another classic mental warfare tactic that always works. No one’s gonna mess with the person who smells his/her hands after using the bathroom. Make a weird face while you’re doing it too. If you really want to be effective with it, just smile to yourself while you do it.
Try your best